Siggy

Ever notice that obnoxious text automatically affixed to the end of some peoples' e-mails? Well, that's an e-mail signature and it's one of the lowest forms of douche-braggery on the Internet. In my journeys across the web, I've come to realize that there are some very specifc types of sign-offs that you're bound to see.

 

The Lowly Comedian
-----
Later Gator,
Seth Melvin

Sent by my carrier pigeon, Finkleberry Fontaña IV

What You're Actually Saying: I'm a child who refuses to grow up and I don't care about making the same joke over and over again to all my acquaintances.

  

The Initiated Man
-----
Peace Bro,
Kenny "CheezWhiz" Reed 
??Brotherhood - Pledge Class 2011
Vir Quisque Vir - Every Man a Man

What You're Actually Saying: My entire identity comes from an organization that mercilessly hazed me for months, only to then charge me a membership fee.

 

The Faux Environmentalist
-----
Kind regards,
Annabelle Rose

 

Please be considerate and think of the environment before printing this e-mail.

 

What You're Actually Saying: I'm a prick who thinks appending this to my e-mail makes up for the horrible person I actually am.

 

The Big Shot
-----
Cheers pal,
Scot Powers

Senior Development Executive | Big Shitz Media & Entertainment, LLC
Scot.Powers@BigShitzMedia.com
office: 555.823.5822
cell: 555.626.5575

Disclaimer: Privileged/Confidential information may be contained in this message and may be subject to legal privilege. Access to this e-mail by anyone other than the intended is unauthorized. If you are not the intended recipient you may not use, copy, distribute or deliver to anyone this message (or any part of its contents ) or take any action in reliance on it. In such case, you should destroy this message, and notify us immediately. In fact, destroy it either way. Then destroy the machine you viewed this e-mail on because this shit is top secret. If this e-mail wasn't intended for you, gouge your eyes out. The mission is compromised. You were the fall guy. Sorry, that's just how the dice roll. If you or your employer does not consent to internet e-mail messages of this kind, please notify us immediately. All reasonable precautions have been taken to ensure no viruses are present in this e-mail. As our company cannot accept responsibility for any loss or damage arising from the use of this e-mail or attachments we recommend that you subject these to your virus checking procedures prior to use. The views, opinions, conclusions and other informations expressed in this electronic mail are not given or endorsed by the company unless otherwise indicated by an authorized representative independent of this message. Your computer/mobile device will self-destruct in T minus 10 seconds. Any damages incurred as a result of the explosion (e.g. lost extremities, blindness, PTSD) become the responsibility of you, the negligent recipient of the most top-secret e-mail ever written.

What You're Actually Saying: I'm the most important person in the whole wide world!

 

The Prophet
-----
In the Lord's Light,
Joanne Cox

Awaken Oh, sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

- Ephesians 5:14

What You're Actually Saying: I'm a crazy person, most likely of the chain-letter forwarding variety.

 

The Company Man
-----
Corporately Yours,
Harry Brooks

Harry Brooks Signature

Senior Marketing Liason/Guru | Ipsum Solutions International
Website: www.IpsumSolutions.com
The Facebook: www.Facebook.com/IpsumSolutions
Twitter: www.Twitter.com/IpsumSolutions | @IpsumSolutions
LinkedIn: www.LinkedIn.com/IpsumSolutions

Ipsum Solutions International

555 East Lorem Drive | Floor 5

New York, NY 10055

p: 555.323.5565

m: 555.832.5682

f: 555.298.1353

Ipsum Solutions International

What You're Actually Saying: MY JOB IS MY LIFE AND MY LIFE IS MY JOB!

 


Remember, e-mail signatures are a stupid waste of time and anyone with any integrity should get rid of theirs immediately. Plus, they're often just used for shameless self-promotion of your shitty work/life. Thanks again for taking the time to read this article.

 

Take Care,

Jeff Rosie

 

Did you enjoy this article? If so, be sure to post to Reddit/Digg and/or follow my twitter (@JeffRosie), Instagram (@JeffRosie) or Tumblr (JeffRosie.Tumblr.com). Or, y'know, just call me (555.251.8235) or fax something nice (555.672.0812)