Hey there, recent or soon-to-be college grads! Are you dreading the prospects of leaving college and what that means for your CrAzZy partying lifestyle? Don't worry! It's a well-kept secret that parties actually get way BETTER (and 1,000,000x less annoying) in your mid-20s -- Here are 10 Reasons Why:
Post-College Party Invite List: Your close friends, their significant others (who you're also friends with), some cool co-workers, a couple college friends you haven't seen in a while, a couple friends of theirs, and your friend's one cousin who asks if it's cool if they come and you're like "sure".
College Party Invite List: Your close friends, everyone in the five-block radius of the party's location (cause they'll show up anyway), any human who happens to be walking by the party between 5 pm and 6 am, hordes and hordes of freshman dudes desperately looking for any indoor location with red cups and/or liquid, attractive person you hope shows up but doesn't, 70 other shitty dudes who found out about the party when you invited that attractive person who didn't show up, and also literally everyone else.
Post-College Party Shopping List: Maker's Mark for early-night drinking, couple bottles of red wine for your two friends who don't drink beer, six-packs of an IPA and an Oktoberfest that your roommate asked for, and an on-sale case of PBR for late-night drinking.
College Party Shopping List: Handle of "Rasputin's Choice" Vodka ($4.99), Discount Bottle of "Peninsula Paradise" Coco-NUTZ Rum ($4.50), Flask of "Top Trophy" Nylerberry Schnapps ($2.99), couple 40s of "Manticore's Jizz" malt liquor (11.5% alcohol at $0.89 apiece, can't beat that!), 29-case of "Milwaukee's Third Best", and a 96-ounce tub of "Farmer Offbrand's Redlike Drink" for mixers.
Morning After A Post-College Party: "Haha, whoops, left my iPhone plugged into these speakers in the living room all night after I passed out. I guess one of my friends turned it off and locked the door for me when they left."
Morning After A College Party: "Where the fuck is my Foreman Grill, contact solution, left flip-flop, box spring, hot sauce, shower curtain, 150-oz. Tide container that I just bought, and a framed photo of me and my family from my brother's wedding???"
Post-College Party: Everyone brings their own six-pack or bottle of liquor, drinks from that, maybe trades beers with someone else, and goes to grab more beer if they run out. Sometimes you end up with MORE beer in your fridge the next day than your started with, as though the Cosmos is rewarding you for hosting such a fun, successful party! You're great.
College Party: All three kegs are kicked by 9:30 somehow even though you only drank 2 beers, and random strangers have cracked open the bottle of generic gin you didn't know you had under your sink and are taking turns chugging it and chasing it with soy sauce packets, the only other thing in your fridge. The friend you sent on a beer run 80 minutes ago is asleep in a nearby construction site.
Morning After Post-College Party: "Oh good, this won't take long to clean up. Bunch of bottles and cups everywhere, gotta mop the floor, but otherwise not too bad. Haha, how strange, there's a cigarette in the kitchen sink!"
Morning After College Party: "How the fuck is our FURNACE broken? And why is there orange smoke seeping out of it even though it's clearly off? Does this have anything to do with when that dude's girlfriend smashed our gas meter with a lacrosse stick?"