Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
7 Misconceptions About Your First College Party
October 15, 2013
It's Friday night. You have your spiffiest outfit on. "It's time to party," you've just said aloud to no one in particular. What better time, then, to experience your first college house party? You probably have clips of all your favorite teen comedy romps looping through your poor, naive skull. But it's not going to be all synchronized hip hop dances and madcap misadventures. In fact, every notion you have is probably wrong. So very, very wrong.
Your first college party will not be a toga party. I can't believe I still have to bring this up in 2014, but there will be absolutely zero togas involved. Unless by "togas" you just mean "bedsheets," which is what they're called when they're wrapped around a mattress instead of a sweaty, hormonal body. By the way, those two things--bedsheets and bodies--will both be there, but there will be little mingling between the two.
Speaking of hormones, it's unlikely you'll hook up with someone. If you do, it will not be the epic, high-five-inducing moment you assume it will be. It will probably be all right, I suppose, but the bits of it (and the bits of your partner) you remember will be very, very unsexy. Like, Jim Belushi doing naked lunges levels of unsexy.
That upper-upper classman regaling all the girls with his wild tales from the last six years of college isn't Van Wilder, he's just a guy in his late 20s who never got invited to these parties when he was your age. Be nice to him (because he's the only one who supplied booze for the party), but avoid direct eye contact at all costs, unless you enjoy awkward conversations about how much the music industry has declined since "The Spin Doctors" were around.
Oh, and that playlist sure sucks, huh? Yeah, get used to that. You're going to hear more Katy Perry at your first college party than you would at an actual Katy Perry concert. And if you like Katy Perry, they're only going to play Jessie J (who is totally just a Katy P ripoff, AM I RIGHT?) And if you like both of them, they're only going to play Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" on a loop.
Doing a keg stand won't turn you into a mythical figure that's spoken of in hushed whispers of amazement or shouted adoration. Especially since you don't know how to actually do a keg stand. It might turn you into "that asshole with the missing tooth who bled all over the tap," though.
As you'll later find out, much to your surprise, you don't actually meet new people at your first party. But don't worry, it probably doesn't have anything to do with you or the fact you spent all of your time in a secluded circle with an old "friend" from high school and those twins you met at orientation. After all, don't these other people know they're supposed to come talk to you?
If the cops decide they have nothing better to do than to bust your tame soiree, there isn't going to be any slapstick involved. (Though an officer may actually slap you with a nightstick if you pretend the situation is too wacky to be taken seriously). Don't try to steal their car, or pants them, or hit them in the face with a pie. They frown on that sort of thing.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.