Well its that time of year again! High School seniors everywhere are enjoying their last days of summer, and packing their bags for the four-year ride of their lives! But more importantly, comedy writers across America are salivating on their laptops, punching away at their keyboards hoping to produce humorous, yet applicable nuggets of wisdom.
But some of them do it ALL WRONG!
Here are some tips on giving tips to incoming freshman:
Tip #1: Don't give tips. They don't listen. They don't even care! Most of them are here for the booby pictures anyway!
Tip #2: Write your tips on boobies! That's right, take out your mom's lipstick and smear letters all over your girlfriend or sister's boobies!
These kids are are so much more inclined follow your advice if they have to follow said advice around a nipple. Or better yet! Around TWO nipples!
Tip #3: Don't try to level with these kids. They don't respond to hip references to "drunk dialing" or "family guy." 18 year olds are listening to music you've never even heard of, and watching show's that don't even exist yet! Do you watch Cow-Donkey Megaforce on Adult Swim? Well they already have the DVD Box Set! And they've seen every episode thrice!
Tip #4: Don't give any tips in Russian. The majority of high schoolers have zero understanding of even elementary level Russian, and those who took Russian in high school don't want to sit there and sift through the verbose text; it'll be like homework to them. This may seem like common sense to most writers but you would not believe how often we receive articles after articles in just straight Russian.
Tip #5: Make sure you don't overglorify college as a giant beer-sex fest.
Most kids are too ugly or too shy to have sex very often. And some kids prefer Hawaiian Fruit Punch to beer. If you keep making references to massive amounts of alcoholic sexual encounters, 99% of high schoolers will be dissappointed by the reality that awaits them. Especially those who get laid at the astonishingly low rate of three times a week! (Seriously though, two is the bare minimum and we're talking hideous students with anxiety disorders at that level.)
There you have it. By now everybody should be ready to tackle articles on giving tips to freshman. Join me next week where I will discuss in length the pros and cons of using pros and cons in weighing decisions.