Oh hello. I am Enrique Goldfarb, Northern New Jersey's # 3 Bar Mitzvah entertainer and I'm honored to make your acquaintance. What we have in common is that we are both celebrated and AMAZING!
I know you are all asking yourselves, "Enrique, we love and respect you're ability to both "'get the party started right' while simultaneously "'getting the aforementioned party started quickly' but why are you writing to us; America's future?"
The answer is simple after performing and planning bar/bat mitzvahs over the last 25 years, I've learned how to throw a party that will make you cream in your Z Cavaricci jeans, which are a very classy pair of jeans to own.
Now you're asking yourself, "But Enrique, I'm not 13 AND/OR I'm not Jewish. So how can I have a bar/bat mitzvah disco?" The answer is simple: IT DOESN'T MATTER. Whether your 13 or 30, Jewish or named Chad, it is what's INSIDE that counts. And what's inside is the INNATE desire to do the Running Man and also blood and guts. For example, the very celebrated terrorist Osama Bin Laden could have a bar mitzvah disco if he wanted to LISTEN to the celebrated R&B sensation otherwise known as Bel, Biv, Devoe with his BFF's or BTF (Best Terrorists Forevs!) Alas, Osama hates Bel, Biv, and especially, Devoe so he will not be throwing himself a bar mitzvah disco anytime soon" F' him, right?!
Below are a few FAQ's to throwing yourself a successful bar mitzvah disco:
Enrique, where do I have a Bar Mitzvah Disco?
Have your "happening" at your favorite bar, your favorite YMCA gym, or the best restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet. It's not the PLACE where you have Bar Mitzvah Disco that's important, it's the PEOPLE who come and the CHECKS OR BOOZE they bring to you that really matter.
Enrique, how do I choose a theme that reflects who I am as an individual?
You're theme is the physical representation of your Chi. And your Chi is" something Asian people came up with. But your theme doesn't have to be Asian" For example, here's a few different options for themes:
The Color Purple either based on the very celebrated film made by the very celebrated film director Steven Spielberg or a literal celebration of the color Purple.
Color Me Badd an homage to the early 90s music group with eyebrow plucking stations and hair relaxing booths.
Chrystal Meth theme everyone gets a few baggies of Meth, 30 condoms and a Paul Okenfold record. Everyone does the Glory Hole Hora" Enrique does not condone this theme, BUT he does admit that a little reefer grass cigarette never hurt anyone" accept his marriage which fell apart 9 years ago.
-Baseball just because the World Series is over doesn't mean that baseball has to disappear. After all, we all wanna get to 2nd base whatever time of year it is. SO why not HAVE A PARTY where you have different rooms for 1st base (making out) 2nd base (over the shirt petting) and so on and so forth" I can't write the rest because I'M BLUSHING!!!
Enrique, Enrique what food shall I serve?!?!
The key to any great bar mitzvah buffet is the following: Any food you enjoy normal sized, tastes much better miniature-ized. Hot Dogs are good, Pigs in a Blanket are perfect. Pizza's great for a pizza party but pizza-bagels are perfect for bar mitzvahs, hamburgers you can get at McDonalds, mini-hamburgers you can get at bar mitzvahs (and the deliciously affordable White Castle" shh" )
OH GOD ENRIQUE!!!!! What drinks shall I mix?!!?!?!!? I'm losing my mind!!!
-Bloody Moshe White wine, coke, and rum
-Screw Drivers A glass filled with actual screwdrivers. JK!!! A Screwdriver is Orange Juice and Vodka mixed together, I've tried the former and spent 15 months in vocal physical therapy, not worth it for the buzz.
-The (wo)manechevitz peach schnapps or Malibu and orange juice (fyi" its only for the ladies)
-The Whitehead (a white Russian for the pubescently inclined)
-The Anti-shevitz (Pabst Blue Ribbon's)
-The Tuna-tini A martini made with tuna fish and vodka. Sometime this drink is referred to as a Mar-tuna by the kids.
-The Cod-mopolitan a cod fish based Cosmopolitan. Created by my good non-Jewish friend Jon Mulaney.
HOLY F-ING CHRIST ENRIQUE!!! WHAT THE G-DAMN FUCKING HELL DO I GIVE AWAY TO MY GUESTS AS PARTING GIFTS??!? OH JESUS GOD, I'M GONNA START CUTTING MYSELF BECAUSE OF THE LONLINESS WHICH DOMINATES MY CRUMBLING SOUL!!!!!!?????
First of all, you need to calm down. Nothing is worth cutting yourself over except if you somehow misplaced your fog machine during a drunken tirade. Your fog machine is the most important piece of your arsenal as a bar mitzvah disco host and you SHOULD BE SHOT if you ever lose it. Unless you pawned it at the dogtrack which is totally understandable. ANYWAY! Here's a list of GIVEAWAYS that are totally sweet:
Make t-shirts like the ones people give away at bar mitzvahs" checkout www.barmitzvahdisco.com for some examples of hilarity. Including "I got to 2nd Base at Jonah's Bar Mitzvah" Hi+Larious = HILARIOUS!
Give away my contact information to people.
Orgasms, people seem to love to have orgasms.
Contact Enrique Goldfarb for any further inquiries at Bar Mitzvah Disco Unless you're from the IRS, in which case, Enrique has been legally dead for the last 3 years"
Also, check out Enrique's brand new book, Bar Mitzvah Disco, Right Here.