Nobody like a crappy gift, but punching grandma in her bad hip isn't the best way to tell her you didn't want the "fullscreen" version of Wedding Crashers. Instead of grandmatricide, this year we let our writers vent to us about their worst Christmas gifts ever. We even let the Jewish writers come out and play. Here goes"
Craig Baldo A J.Crew Four-Season Arctic Blue Cashmere Crewneck Sweater. I had asked for it in Daffodil Yellow
Jake Klocksien being raised Jewish.
Andrew Porter After my grandma created a bunch of fanfare and my family gathered around, I opened the package to reveal a bag of socks. Not even in the bag they come in at the store. Just a plastic bag filled with potentially used socks. Stupid grandmas.
Matt Loker The myrrh. Without a question, the myrrh.
Mindy Raf A giant hug.
Chris Wylde one of those Jew octapronged candleholders.
Lauren Holly A gift certificate to JDate.com with a note attached that says, "Maybe internet dating is better for a girl like you."
Matt Boor Every gift that I've ever received that hasn't been "Journey's Greatest Hits" has tied for worst present of all time.
John Hallmann When I was 11 years old my aunt bought me a set of drumsticks, which would have been great, but I don't play the drums.
Tom Sunnergren A new kidney (my body rejected it.
Amir Blumenfeld Legal versions of all your mp3's.
Melanie Ethand Your wife's head.
Max Lance Girls Gone Wild; Brandeis University
Aaron Karo the gab.
Ricky Van Veen "Paid Programming" DVD Box Set.
Streeter Seidell A prayer for a brighter tomorrow.
Neil Janowitz A cassette walkman. In '02.
Jeff Rubin Cool Runnings 10 Year Anniversary Collector's Edition DVD featuring commentary by cast members Doug E. Doug and Malik Yoba.
Monica Vasandani One year when money was tight, my parents gave me "love" for Christmas. Can I play World of Warcraft on love? No. No I can't.
Ethan Trex This Shirt
Jesse Costello The Lil' Murderer Fisher Price Hobo-killin' Playset.
Shallon Lester A sample of the polio virus disguised as perfume. Thanks a lot Grandpa, really fucking funny. Thank god metallics are in or i'd be pretty pissed about these leg braces. "Greatest Generation" my ass.
The Assimilated Negro A collection of old Maxim magazines with all the pictures ripped out.