There's always one or two guys sitting behind you at every football game who are fans of your team, but for some reason (probably a combination of alcohol and a poor upbringing) won't stop yelling things like "He throws like a girl!" "Hold onto the ball, idiot!" and "QUEER!" These are the kind of people who show up to little league games so they can taunt their own children and get into a fight with another Bad Dad. They're loud, obnoxious, and provide a helpful reminder that bigotry is still very much alive.
The Girl Who Knows That Guy takes pride in the fact that she knows Number 42. He plays defense. Linebacker, she thinks. His name's definitely Jordan though and he's in her Sociology class. Her name's usually Katie and she won't stop talking about her "besty on the football team."
"Ryan Shipley went 22 for 36 for a career high 472 yards, 3 scores, 42 on the ground, 4 congratulatory butt slaps, 22 Gatorade sips, and no turnovers in last week's win," is something you'll hear The Statistician say. To these guys, watching football is less about watching football and more so about math? Whatever the case may be, "Junior running back Bryan Jones has gone nine straight games with a score and at least one celebratory backflip that turns into a pretty impressive split in the end zone."
The one person who probably shouldn't have bought a ticket to the game to begin with is The Guy Who's Clearly Just There to Tailgate. He's nine beers, four brats, two cheeseburgers, and countless games of corn hole deep, but now he's just itching to get back out to the parking lot. He doesn't really care about what's going on between the teams, which makes sense considering he responds to everyone by saying "Yeah. They're looking good today," before going back to avoiding any and all eye contact. All he knows is that once the clock hits zero, he can scarf down another burger and shotgun brewskie.
Even though this guy doesn't know much about football, he wants to look knowledgable and in turn will say things like "They need better pocket protection," and "Get in the Red Zone, fellas," throughout the entire game. Sure, The Buzzword Dropper can't really hold a conversation with The Statistician or The Bad Dad, but he'll certainly say "Move the chains," a whole lot.
This guy's a dick.
The reason why the stadium isn't as full as it should be in the 4th quarter is because of The "Let's Beat Traffic" Guy. "If we leave now, we won't get stuck in the parking lot for an hour," is what he says at the start of the 3rd and "I can't believe we missed that!" is what he says while watching the highlights of a double-overtime comeback win. This guy's the best at beating traffic and missing that amazing ending everyone will be talking about for years and years.
The Section Leader is the REAL drunk guy with a ton of school spirit who gets everyone sitting around him on the same page when it comes to cheering, making threats at the opposing team's players, and destroying their vocal chords. Sometimes his shirt's off, sometimes he's covered in paint, and sometimes he's that overbearing jerk off who's trying to get everyone to do the wave and you're like "Why does he keep doing that? Nobody wants to do the wave," but one thing's certain, he's always going to get loud when the stadium's scoreboard says "GET LOUD!" He's the epitome of a good college football fan.
Annnnnd this is the same guy as The Section Leader, but he ends up taking it too far and gets maced by police.