Well, as countless college students know, we have reached the doldrums of winter here above the Mason Dixon Line. I guess the cold is the price you pay for not having to live in the South. Anyway, the only thing that gets me through the cold of February and March is the thought that in a few short months the summer concert season will be here again. I love the concert season and I want to share my love of it with you, although chances are we've already seen a show together. Here are some simple ways to find me this summer.
1) I'm that guy wearing the band's tour shirt from the previous year!
How much do I like this band?! So much that I saw them last year, that's how much!!! Yeah, I figure that if I am going to pay $25 for a tour shirt I might as well wear it next year. What? Am I buying a new one this year? You bet your ass I am, what do you expect me to wear next year?
2) I address the band members by their first names!
Do I know the members of the band? Do I ever!!! Well, no not really, but I have every studio album, live album, bootleg, and demo any fan could ever want. Which makes me feel like I know them, and isn't music all about feeling? I'll definitely be at every Dave Matthews Band show this summer saying things like, "Man, Stephan is really at the top of his game!!!" Don't ask me if I know how to play the bass! Who cares if I can't tell the difference between any of the instruments being played onstage, at least I have the balls to act like I do, fucker!!!
DMB FOR LIFE! (literally)
Do I really want to hear the song? Hell no! Do I actually think that the band can hear me? Hell no! Do I think that they would play the song even if they could? Hell no! Do I want everyone around me to know that I know a song by the band that they've never heard of? Hell yes!! What is the point of owning all these obscure tracks if I can't rub it in the other fans' faces that I know it and they don't? I can't wait for Weezer this year, maybe they'll finally play "Mykel and Carli" or "Paperface"!!!
4) I ask everyone around me how many times they've seen the band live!
What? You've only seen them twice before?! Are you sure you're a real fan? I'll take whatever number you give me and multiply it by three! What, you've seen them six times? Well, then I've seen them 18 times, and 12 of those were before they hit it big!!! What do you mean it's not a competition? That sounds like something the loser of a "'how many times have you seen the band' competition would say, bitch!!!
I'm especially cool when I find out it's your first show because then you get the pleasure of me drunkenly shouting out "Virgin" and "Cherry" all show!!! It's awesome!!! What? Am I a REAL virgin? I'll say this, who has time for girls with all this music every summer? You might think that if I've seen this band as many times as I claim, I might get bored with them and they might not be worth the price of admission. Well, Fuck You!!!
5) I stand the whole goddamn time, no matter where I'm sitting or who I'm seeing!
Why does everybody keep yelling at me that I'm in the lawn seats at a Bright Eyes concert?! Is it because you expect a hard-core fan like me to be in the pavilion? No, I don't care if you and your girlfriend can't see. Maybe you should get off that blanket and wave it in the air to show your dedication like me! Shit, I hate you fucking posers!
6) I sing so loud to every fucking song, you can't hear the lead singer!
Uh, I know all the words, what do you expect me to do? Sit there and listen to the music like you and your loser friends? Where are my friends? Uh, they're getting another beer, they'll be back later. Fuck you, I swear my friends are real!!! I'll definitely be at every O.A.R. show this summer!!! Ah, who am I kidding, even I think they're fucking worthless.
So bundle up for the rest of the winter, and remember that the summer concert season is just around the corner! By the way, don't try to find me by the picture above, I am a chameleon and come in all shapes, sizes, and smells once summer hits. So, look for these behaviors and when you see me, greet me with a swift punch to the throat!!! PLAY FREEBIRD!!!!!