Hey everyone, today I'm gonna show you how to do a salon-quality at-home manicure. Perfect if the salon is too expensive or you hate feeling paranoid that the manicurists are talking about you in another language.

Before we start, you should be working on a surface that doesn't require you to leave your reclining position. Make sure that you have no truly flat area to rest your nail polish on. If it falls over or drips, you want to be sure that it's definitely going to get on your bed or ideally in your computer keyboard.

First step is to remove the polish already on your nails. I've already been scraping it off with my other fingernails and occasionally gnawing it off with my teeth, so I have kind of a head start, but I use this regular old nail polish remover and a cotton pad. Just give it a swig and start rubbing. It should hurt a lot if you bite your cuticles and then get the alcohol in the cuts. You may want to try to just use the one cotton swab to do all 10 fingers instead of getting a new one when it gets gross, just as a meaningless pointless challenge to yourself even though a roll of these cotton pads is like one dollar.

Now you're going to file your nails, using the same emery board you've been using for several months so it's almost totally worn down and ineffective on the sides and you have to awkwardly use the middle of it.

You'll need to do some pretty severe filing to make it look like your nails are uniform, since when you start your index fingernails are bitten painfully short and your pinkies are weirdly so long they look like you've been using them to sniff cocaine out of.

Now it's time to buff your nails. If like me you don't have an actual buffer, you can just use your emery board kind of lightly on the tops of the nail, as if it were a proper tool instead of coarse sandpapery cardboard that you're dragging across your nails.

The next part of the manicure is cuticle maintenance. The most healthy way to do this is with a special cuticle softener and an orange stick, but I like to do it with my fingernails and teeth. You can just look at the nails, pick out the ones with the longest cuticles and use the longest nail on your other hand to pick at it until it peels away and takes some non-dead skin with it so you start bleeding. And you can just staunch the bloodflow with a piece of toilet paper or your tongue, whatever you have.

When that's done, we're ready to start painting our base coat. You can sort of use anything clear that you have, like the bad-tasting stuff your grandma gave you 6 years ago so you'd stop biting your nails, the one that you just bit through anyway, or any other kind of clear polish. Just apply one coat of that.

Time for color. Now, if you want to get fancy with your colors, you can attempt some nail art, realize after one or two nails that you don't have a steady enough hand to do it, and go over your nails again with nail polish remover.

For your first nail, you should be way too stingy with the polish so that you have to really push the brush against the nail to get any polish on it. Then for the next nail, overcompensate and leave way too much on the brush and have a huge droplet of it pool on your nail and take forever to dry. You also want to be getting as much color as possible on your cuticles and the skin around your nails, and then to scrape that away with your other hand so that you have a little bit of polish all over your fingers.

When you switch hands, you'll need to realize that you're about 10% as steady with your non-dominant hand, so the nails on your dominant hand are gonna look super terrible. Then you can feel oddly guilty about the nails on your non-dominant hand looking good and try to do them a little worse on the second coat, so that your hands will match.

Always let one coat dry before the second coat. If you want you can wave your hands around and accidentally get your nail in your hair, messing up the first coat. Or if you like you can just wait about 30 seconds. Test for dryness by tapping the nail with your finger when it's still wet, that'll give you a really nice smudge on it.

When you're ready for your second coat, try to even things out by putting more polish on the nails that got less polish in the first coat, but somehow work it out so that half your nails look glossy and beautiful and the other half look like you just painted over a gravel driveway.

When that's dry, get your top coat. "Seche vite" is a good one that I don't own, so I'm gonna use this "Kwik Dry" knockoff that I don't remember how I got. It's a good idea to give yourself a manicure right before you have to go out or get in bed or take a shower, just so you give your nails some kind of weird texture before they have a chance to fully dry.

And while your nails are drying, you can clean up the skin around the nails with remover. Because nail polish remover isn't meant to remove nail polish from skin, it won't make your skin clean but it will give it kind of a greasy sheen that's fun.

That's it! Your manicure should be in great shape for about 20 hours before it gets a tiny chip in it and you obsessively scrape the rest off one nail at a time. Thanks for watching!