PetSitting Instructions For Your Fake Pets 


Every few minutes, Claude's gonna need something from you. Usually he's just hungry. Try and take care of that pretty quickly if you can, because if you wait more than a couple of minutes to feed Claude he'll starve to death.

If Claude's not hungry but he's still making a scene, he's probably just bored. Give him a snack or medicine or something. It doesn't actually matter what you do as long as it keeps Claude entertained. If Claude stays bored for too long, he'll get sick and die. 

Claude isn't house trained, so he usually just poops wherever he is (sorry!!). Claude actually has a pretty weird relationship with his poop. He obviously hates it because he gets angry at me if I don't clean it up, but he still won't just move away from it. It gets to the point where he gets physically very sick (I know. We're working on it with an animal specialist). In the meantime, try to just clean it up.  

If Claude dies, take a thin object like a pen or a toothpick and stick it in his butt to shock him into resurrection.  He'll be fine.


PetSitting Instructions For Your Fake Pets

Please take my pet pigeon Pidgey for a walk every so often by the park grass.

When you do, try to get him to interact with the animals you come across. Honestly, they don't have to be other pets; strays are fine too. Pidgey works his violence out on other animals so you're gonna see a lot of that when you take him for a walk. The more Pidgey works his violence out on other animals, the healthier and stronger Pidgey seems to feel, so just let that happen.

Sometimes the other animals try to beat him up in defense. If Pidgey gets too tired, let another pet take over and get in on that good, healthy exercise. I've organized a list of which animal should take over when my favorites pass out (on the fridge).

Pidgey's a tough guy but at the end of a good, healthy walk he'll usually faint to a comatose near-death. Just take him straight to the vet before you head home (seriously, don't hesitate. I have awesome pet insurance).

Pidgey doesn't need a lot of space, or air. Put him in his cozy 5-inch ball cage and he'll sleep like a baby.


PetSitting Instructions For Your Fake Pets

Keep Adonis the Dog clean and safe, in perfect mint condition.

After Adonis the Dog has earned his keep by lying untouched for about a decade, I plan to sell Adonis the Dog for hundreds of dollars so seriously just don't touch him, feed him, pet him, hold him, love him, or touch him. 

Don't bend his leash or nametag. If you bend his leash or nametag, you might as well leave 2300 dollars in cash, because that's how much he'll be worth in twenty-five years. 

Just don't touch him.


PetSitting Instructions For Your Fake Pets

My pet fox Froo Froo has a lot of beauty and fighting competitions scheduled for this weekend (check out the calendar on the fridge). Try not to miss any of these. When Froo Froo wins a beauty or fighting competition, she brings in a TON of bank. Any day now we will be able to afford rainbow paint.

Froo Froo doesn't like to practice but don't let her get lazy. Rainbow paint doesn't buy itself! Keep Froo Froo's head in the game by sticking to schedule and encouraging her to practice fighting and being beautiful. 

I don't have any pet food on hand for Froo Froo since I'm saving up to buy rainbow paint, so try to go dumpster diving for something when you can. Don't waste any money on food. There's perfectly good burrito laying around on the street, she can eat that. 

If by some miracle THIS is the weekend Froo Froo brings in enough money to buy rainbow paint (!!!!), you can do the honors. Paint Froo Froo rainbow colored. 


PetSitting Instructions For Your Fake Pets

Pepper is my scariest pet. I don't think he eats food so much as human flesh. If you could stick your finger in his mouth every so often, he might be satisfied, although honestly there's no guarantee.

To keep Pepper from achieving world domination, he needs to be degraded every once in a while so please demand that he show you a dance to put him in his place.

Unprovoked tickling works too.

As necessary, please feel free to stick Pepper in a closet. You will likely still hear him, but at least you won't see his creepy face.

When you can no longer tolerate Pepper, hold him upside down and stick your finger in his mouth. This instantly kills him but, unfortunately, also bring him back to life.

Please try your best to kill him, though I believe it is impossible.