...if you're posting on social media about doing the following things:

1. Staying Home Alone One Night

Listen. We're humans. We all need to spend time alone sometimes and be with other people sometimes. This is a regular, normal, completely boring part of being a person. You don't need to act like you've just invented the totally controversial, hot-button new practice of staying home on a weekend evening.

Also, if you share one more Buzzfeed article about being a rare breed of *~introvert~* who prefers texts to phone calls, the rest of us will lock you in a tower somewhere so you never need to see or speak to anyone again, just like you've always dreamed about.


2. Eating Something Unhealthy

If you were actually sad about your shitty dinner, you would go to the grocery store and get some fancy vegetables to eat instead of posting a picture of your Kraft slices and ketchup. More likely, you're just making a decision based on various factors (ease, time, deliciousness, nutrition, expense) and had to compromise on some of them. You know, like ALL HUMANS DO ALL THE TIME ALWAYS.


 3. Or Drinking

"Omg drinking alone again I'm such a weirdo." The thing is, you know you aren't a weirdo. Weirdos drink hand sanitizer for the alcohol content and pass out in their unventilated basement; they don't get 26 likes on a picture of them holding up a glass of wine and a DVD of season 6 of The West Wing. GIVE UP THE ACT, SOCIALLY WELL-ADJUSTED PERSON.


4. Dressing In ...Anything

"Look at this Halloween costume/flower wreath/loungewear ensemble that I spent hours putting together, photographing multiple times to find the most physically flattering angle, and sharing with everyone I know because I obviously think it's cool enough that you'll compliment me on it. LOL isn't it so adorably LAME of me?" Yeah, now that you mention it, that is pretty lame.

Just say you like the picture! It's fine! You're allowed to like yourself!


5. Doing Something With Your Pet

How can you be lame for wanting to cuddle with/take pictures of/dress up your pet? Those are literally the only reasons anyone gets a pet. To play with it. So it makes zero sense to attach the concept of lameness to these activities. It's like you're trying to humblebrag about having an awesome pet but you can't find a better way to shoehorn the "humble" part in there.

Anyway, you can bet your ass if the rest of us had a chill dog we'd be taking selfies with it too. So just own it instead of pretending to be embarrassed about something you obviously aren't.


6. Not Having A Significant Other

Sometimes people are single! It happens. If you were never ever single and were constantly hopping from one relationship to the next, THAT might be worth discussing. But being single is not, in and of itself, notable, entertaining, or pathetic. Sorry.


7. Listening to Pop Music

Oh, you don't care what anyone thinks, you looooove the new Katy Perry song? Cool. By they way, no one thinks ANYTHING about what music you like because they're too busy thinking about themselves, and if they did think about it, they'd probably be like, "Yeah, okay." Of course you like it. It's designed to be liked by everyone. It's called popular music because it's popular, you nitwit.


8. Enjoying A Joke

You're not a loser if you laugh at or make a historical joke or a pun. You are a person who has a sense of humor.


9. Being Responsible

Wait, so do you want impressed praise for being so mature, or do you want gentle ribbing for being such an old fogey? You must want something, because otherwise there is NO REASON why you are telling your entire social network about your astoundingly unique sleeping habits. What is it? What do you want from us? Just tell us now so we can go away instead of listening to you monologue about how quirky it is that you pack baby carrots and almonds as a sensible snack for mid-afternoon.


10. Caring About Something

"Yeah, I know it's like, super-lame to care about the environment/humanity/my loved ones, but I guess I'm just like, a good person or whatever? I'm just weird like that. LOL I'm such a dork!!!"

Shut up.


11. Being A Human

You're not weird. You just want attention.

You're not awkward. You just want attention.

You're not lame. You just want attention.

And also you are clumsy.