TWO IMPORTANT NAMES COMBINED, INC.

Advertising City, USA

 

Status/Check-in/Briefing Call 12/13/13

 

00:07

Hear beep, say a questionable hello to see if anyone is on the line as if you were in a dark garage in a scary movie.

 

00:30

Check to see if anyone is on the line again, in case they were on mute.

 

01:12

Hear a beep, ask if someone just joined (even though it's obvious they have).

 

01:14

New person announces themselves.

01:17

Say helloooo, with extra "o's" to sound friendly.

01:18

Immediately mute the line to talk shit about that person.

 

01:24

Unmute line to make uncomfortable small talk.

 

01:49

Run out of small talk.

 

01:57

After uncomfortable silence, mention you're putting them on mute since "you guess we should wait a few more minutes for everyone else to join."

 

02:32

Hear a beep.

 

02:35

Say hello.

 

02:37

New group announces themselves, apologizes for being late.

 

02:45

Same small talk with new group.

 

02:54

One bad joke from other person already on line about where the late group was, followed by pity chuckles and "yeah, sorry we were held up in another meeting."

 

03:07

Everyone talks over each other trying to dive into the call,  followed by silence and a few "oh sorry, go ahead."

 

03:13

Everyone thinks that means they have the green light, proceed to talk over each other again.

 

03:22

Everyone collectively mutes, talks shit on everyone else

 

03:35

Person who needs to prove importance starts talking.

 

03:51

Hear the "drop off" noise.

 

03:53

Person talking says "Hello? did we lose someone?" despite how little sense that makes.

 

04:13

Person who dropped off accidentally rejoins and loudly announces themselves for no reason whatsoever, briefly interrupting the person who is proving their importance.

 

05:29

Person still talking.

 

05:33

Client yells mid conversation asking for the person to turn up their volume or get closer to the phone since they are having trouble hearing.

 

05:45

Start playing Candy Crush on your phone.

 

06:39

Person ends long winded rant with vague rhetorical question.

 

06:40

Unmute and give a upbeat "Sure, Sure.  We can absolutely look into that" to give the impression you were listening the whole time.

 

06:45

Person proving importance dives back into nonsensical business talk rant.

 

06:46

Mute your line, imitate them in a cartoonishly dumb voice.

 

06:49

Panic it's not on mute, get a hot, nervous, sweaty flash all over your body.

 

06:53

Realize it was on mute, breathe relief of sigh, decide to keep your mouth shut for rest of call.

 

06:59

Back to candy crush.

 

07:17

Check emails, make sure not to reply to any that include people on the call since you're "paying attention."

 

08:03

Call starts wrapping up, unmute line as everyone talks over each other.

 

08:14

All parties agree to regroup internally and "run it up the flagpole" to the appropriate decision making people, who were of course not on the call.

 

08:23

Say thank youuuu with extra "u's" to sound friendly.

 

08:27

Call ends, wait/pray for someone to send an email recapping the topic of the call.

 

Post call:  

Receive calendar invite for new call, repeat process.



Attendees:

  • Person who is in charge of project
  • Person who was told to sit in on call for some reason, but has nothing to do with project
  • Inevitable scapegoat
  • Cranky client
  • Disinterested but extremely important client