Status/Check-in/Briefing Call 12/13/13
Hear beep, say a questionable hello to see if anyone is on the line as if you were in a dark garage in a scary movie.
Check to see if anyone is on the line again, in case they were on mute.
Hear a beep, ask if someone just joined (even though it's obvious they have).
New person announces themselves.
Say helloooo, with extra "o's" to sound friendly.
Immediately mute the line to talk shit about that person.
Unmute line to make uncomfortable small talk.
Run out of small talk.
After uncomfortable silence, mention you're putting them on mute since "you guess we should wait a few more minutes for everyone else to join."
Hear a beep.
New group announces themselves, apologizes for being late.
Same small talk with new group.
One bad joke from other person already on line about where the late group was, followed by pity chuckles and "yeah, sorry we were held up in another meeting."
Everyone talks over each other trying to dive into the call, followed by silence and a few "oh sorry, go ahead."
Everyone thinks that means they have the green light, proceed to talk over each other again.
Everyone collectively mutes, talks shit on everyone else
Person who needs to prove importance starts talking.
Hear the "drop off" noise.
Person talking says "Hello? did we lose someone?" despite how little sense that makes.
Person who dropped off accidentally rejoins and loudly announces themselves for no reason whatsoever, briefly interrupting the person who is proving their importance.
Person still talking.
Client yells mid conversation asking for the person to turn up their volume or get closer to the phone since they are having trouble hearing.
Start playing Candy Crush on your phone.
Person ends long winded rant with vague rhetorical question.
Unmute and give a upbeat "Sure, Sure. We can absolutely look into that" to give the impression you were listening the whole time.
Person proving importance dives back into nonsensical business talk rant.
Mute your line, imitate them in a cartoonishly dumb voice.
Panic it's not on mute, get a hot, nervous, sweaty flash all over your body.
Realize it was on mute, breathe relief of sigh, decide to keep your mouth shut for rest of call.
Back to candy crush.
Check emails, make sure not to reply to any that include people on the call since you're "paying attention."
Call starts wrapping up, unmute line as everyone talks over each other.
All parties agree to regroup internally and "run it up the flagpole" to the appropriate decision making people, who were of course not on the call.
Say thank youuuu with extra "u's" to sound friendly.
Call ends, wait/pray for someone to send an email recapping the topic of the call.
Receive calendar invite for new call, repeat process.