Illustrations by Joel Duggan
Congratulations! If you've picked up this book you're expecting a new child in your life! Well, not YOUR child, and not for all parts of your life, but definitely holidays and stuff. That's right: your sibling is going to be a parent and you are about to become an uncle. Being an uncle is a HUGE responsibility if your current biggest responsibility involves throwing out milk before it turns into a solid. This guide will help you prepare for the transition from barely-functioning man child to barely-functioning man child with a baby sitting on his shoulders.
Your sister or sister-in-law is about to embark on a beautiful journey that can be best described as "a living nightmare". To best prepare for this, research some horrifying pregnancy facts to share at fun parties you can still go to because you're not pregnant. Here are some to get you started:
Many women will experience incontinence during pregnancy, and ALSO for months after giving birth. That must suck.
The flood of hormones in a woman's body can make her grow hair on her face and nipples. Weird!
You ever think about how all your guts are just lying on your chest during a C-section? That's pretty crazy, right?
Ohhhh mannnn, how much would it suck to not be able to drink, or eat sushi, or go in hot tubs for nine months?
Thinking about all the ways pregnancy is hard can be pretty rough, but in a few months you'll have a brand new niece or nephew and then you can stop thinking about it.
You will need to purchase the proper supplies to prepare for the arrival of your new niece or nephew. For an uncle, this consists largely of novelty t-shirts, nerf guns, comic book compendia, video games, and fun toys. Luckily, you may already own all these things. Is this because you still feel like a six-year-old in an adult's body, or because you were planning ahead for the day you become an uncle? If you say the latter, no one will judge you for owning these things.
Choosing a nickname is one of the most important, lasting things you can give your niece or nephew. His/her parents will have spent a lot of time trying to think of a baby name that is meaningful, beautiful, and unique. You can undo all this work by calling the baby the first stupid thing that comes to your head. This will almost certainly be a name that is more fun to say, so it'll probably stick. Here are a few suggestions, but remember, you can call them literally anything:
Add "-erino", "-aroni", or "-meister" at the end of the baby's given name
Anything that rhymes with the baby's given name.
[Baby's Given Name] + the first thing everyone associates with that name
The appropriate way for an uncle to greet a niece or nephew is to pick them up and throw them like an Italian stereotype throwing around some pizza dough. With luck your niece or nephew will forever associate you with the euphoric feeling of flying. You may be concerned that tossing them around may make them uncontrollably excited, and unable to sleep. Don't worry! This will be your sibling's problem.
Here are the three tossing techniques most recommended by top uncles.
Many uncles worry about the appropriate way to discipline their niece or nephew. On this their are two schools of thought. The first is to outsource all disciplinary action to The Tickle Monster. The second is to do nothing and let the parents deal with the fallout. Both options are super easy and ensure that your niece/nephew will continue to see you as a harbinger of fun times and the overseer of a lawless land they can do as they please.
Good luck, and be sure to check out our next book "So Your Friend is Getting a Dog."
Illustrations by Joel Duggan