Illustrated by Nathan Yaffe.
If Everyone Still Wrote Like They Did in College
By Will Stephen
[New York Times Article] A True American Dilemma: A Study of Obama and Healthcare.gov Through the Lens of American Expceptionalism Dictionary.com defines dilemma as "a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives." This, unfortunately, is the situation that President Obama finds himself in, thanks to the rollout of Healthcare.gov. This rollout has not been desirable, and neither is the alternative. What is to come of it? One cannot be sure. Therefore, it is a dilemma, and a particularly American one at that. In this New York Times article, I will attempt to dissect and illuminate the ways in which this, President Obama's dilemma about the rollout of Healthcare.gov, can be seen through the lens of American Exceptionalism, and the dilemmas therein. [wedding invitation] Times New Roman. Pixelated jpeg of a smiling couple in the middle of a white page. Name and date should be in the top right corner: Jake Sturtevant and Marissa Gimmler 11/20/13 [picture] You Are Invited to the Wedding of Jake and Marissa: Comparing and Contrasting their Joy on March Twenty-First, Two Thousand Fourteen "Oh, my darling, you look Wonderful Tonight." - Eric Clapton, "Wonderful Tonight" Weddings are frequently compelling, due to the often thought provoking comparison and contrast of the two people getting married, some of whom are occasionally gay now due to new laws, such as Prop 8 (Wikipedia). This comparison and contrasting is effective in the case of Jake and Marissa. For example: while Jake is excited to invite you to this destination wedding at Cedar Hills Farm and Orchard on March Twenty-First, Marissa is, in comparison, overjoyed. However, in contrast to one another, Jake will wear a suit to the wedding, while Marissa will wear a wedding dress. These are interesting and illuminating facts from which we can gather information about weddings, love, and the lucky couple, through methods of comparison and contrasting. For these reasons and many more, you should RSVP to the aforementioned wedding of Jake and Marissa, and, in the words of Eric Clapton, "look wonderful [that night]." [The New Yorker cover] New Yorker logo up top, with a pretty low quality/pixelated picture of a map of Afghanistan just in the middle of a white page with text in Times New Roman below it: What Is Going to Happen in Afghanistan?: The Politics, Culture, and Future of a Troubled State [Cookbook] Chicken Marsala: Flavor, Taste, and the Italian Dish Winston Churchill once said, "Never, never, never give up" (McGregor, 1). It is a quote that has endured because people relate to it, even in regard to recipes such as chicken marsala. What should one use to cook chicken marsala? It is a question that has been debated for centuries yore. Some have asserted that in order to make the best chicken marsala, you need to first dredge six- to eight-ounce chicken breasts in a seasoned flour mixture (McGregor, 58). Others have disagreed profusely (ibid). But in this recipe, I will attempt to determine the ways in which you can make the best chicken marsala, in the Italian tradition, and never, never give up (McGregor, 1). [pizza restaurant menu] Gridaldi's Pizza [pixelated jpeg logo] The Remnants of Italian Diaspora As Raped Through a Culinary Prism Take-Out, Delivery and Machiavelli's The Prince [craigslist posting] The Loss of Youth and The Rebirth of Life: A Reflective Journey to Sell My Xbox 360 (Decent Condition, Two Controllers + Fifa 2011 and Call of Duty: Black Ops) WHEREAS in the context of one's life, it becomes important to start anew and share one's joys. WHEREAS this system has given me much joy over the years and I am only selling because I want a change. WHEREAS I am happy to send pics to prove it's near-mint condition.^1 WHEREAS only hitch is there's a screw that's loose inside one of the controllers which makes a kind of annoying sound but otherwise everything is mint (Fig. A). THEREFORE my Xbox 360 (with controllers and two games) is worthy of $170 cash or PayPal or equivalent trade in PS3 + equipment. Q.E.D. [footnote] 1. Pictures are old; Christmas, 2008, iPhone 3G, Sepia Filter. [text] A: Hey it was nice to meet you at Josh's party the other day. Want to get a drink next week? B: Ah, next week is super busy! A: OK! No worries. A. [a week later] Hey, this week looking any better? Would love to get a drink if you're down! B: ibid [ikea instructions] BILLY BOOKCASE 1. My regular readers will appreciate the direct je ne sais quois of this manual. It's adorable in its simplicity, lest we forget what it was like to be children. I laugh, dear reader. But before moving forward, one must step back, and one must ask oneself: why? Why this screw? Why here? The simple answer would be: because they fit. Because it makes sense. Because they ultimately comprise the bookcase that you bought and intended to build. Because, I don't know, that's what we're told to do. However, I challenge you - nay, I implore you - to consider otherwise. What would happen if, bear with me, one were to -- say -- insert all eight of these ridged rod parts into, for example, the side of a board? Burrow them in until the wood breaks. Feel them. Use them. Grip them like a cock. The implications would be tremendous. The integrity of the project would be torn asunder, but who is to say what the Billy 41 ¾" inch bookcase was supposed to in the first place? Us? Because we're Ikea? Interesting to posit, dear reader, but not exactly conclusive. What you have here are parts and nothing more. These parts are agents of your will, of your spirit, of your id. This is your life. Welcome. It's not that scary, I promise. So do something with these parts. Eat them, fuck them, paint a portrait of your lover with them, but for Whatever Deity You Choose to Project into Your Consciousness's sake... don't build a fucking bookshelf with them. Go. Read Proust. Listen to Lou Reed. Fuck a stranger. Spend all night dancing in Berlin until sunrise. Take ecstasy and sing in a gospel choir. Everything around you is misery. Enjoy it. Proceed to Step 2.