6. Christmas Tree

Artist: Lady Gaga feat. Space Cowboy
Released: 2008

With "Christmas Tree" Lady Gaga brought forth a song that is less subtle than "Baby, It's Cold Outside" and more repetitive than "The Little Drummer Boy." The line "my Christmas tree's delicious" is a double entendre so lazy it might qualify as a single entendre. On the other hand she captures what the Christmas season is really all about: fucking.


7. Funky, Funky Xmas

Artist: New Kids on the Block
Released: 1989

Technically this is "Xmas" song and not a Christmas song, but I think we can still put it on the list, especially when it opens with that great Sean Connery in the role of Santa Claus impression. If you're listening to the song, be prepared to hear the phrase "funky, funky xmas" a lot, but if it makes you feel better, The New Kids on the Block sound as tired of singing it as you are of hearing it.

8. Christmas Conga

Artist: Cyndi Lauper
Released: 1998

"Bonga, bonga, bonga. Do the Christmas conga."


9. Have a Cheeky Christmas

Artist: The Cheeky Girls
Released: 2003

The Cheeky Girls are a heavily-accented Romanian-born British pop duo whose entire catalogue seems to be entirely about boys, girls, and/or being cheeky. Given that limited subject matter, it's incredible that they have released two different, terrible Christmas songs. "Have a Cheeky Christmas" is included on this list, even though it's arguably a better song than "Boys and Girls (Xmas Time Love)". The latter gets only a passing mention here because it has fuck-all to do with Christmas: a few Yuletide references followed by lots of extended shots of people in a swimming pool. Both look and sound like they were produced in 1989 and digitized from old tapes.

10. The Christmas Unicorn

Artist: Sufjan Stevens
Released: 2012

In 2012, in perhaps the greatest feat of self-indulgence ever witnessed by man, Sufjan Stevens released a 40-track collection of Christmas songs ending with this twelve-minute long tune. I have a pretty high tolerance for twee bullshit but I can't make it more than four minutes of this song without rolling my eyes. It sounds like something a doughy court minstrel would sing for medieval king moments before having his head cut off for the crime of "obnoxiousness."