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Honestly, if you'd just let me buy this case of beer without delving into my story, we'd both be better off. Sure, chronologically my age is currently in the negatives, but biologically I guarantee you that I'm over 21. No, don't take the beer! Alright, alright. I'll come clean.

 

Floyd, is it? Well, Floyd, I'm from the future. In my time, a puritanical dictatorship has purged the world of all alcohol and destroyed the knowledge necessary to recreate it. However, I'm throwing a party, and I don't want it to suck. That's why I borrowed my friend Neil's Time Bending prototype to come here and buy a case of alcohol beer. Neil thinks that I just went back three weeks from my time in order to warn the Duke of Diamonds not to sign the Treaty of GeometricFlux, but Neil will forgive me at the party when he's sipping on a cold one. Anyway, the Duke of Diamonds deserved that protractor to the skull. So, can't you help a future friend out?

 

I'm not crazy! I just want to throw a slightly revolutionary party that people will register in their ThoughtBoxes as a good time. In fact, if you help me out and this party spurs a full revolt against our oppressive dictator, you'd be regarded as a hero! Then you'd get the hero discount at all of your favorite shops. Oh, from the look on your face I see that discount hasn't been enacted yet. Regardless, you'd hold a place in history. Floyd the Bestower of Beer would join the ranks of Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, and Mazrax the Golfing Computer. Just to be mentioned in the same sentence as Mazrax is worth any transgression.

 

What's the future like? It's hard to say since it's my only real point of reference. From the few minutes I've been in your time, I guess I'd say the future is more snazzy. Things pop more, you know? Like we don't have these things. What are they called? Drink koozies? Oh, we actually do have quite a lot of those. Just snazzier. I don't know. Well, I guess the fact that only two continents remain above sea level is different, right? Not the two you'd expect. Uh... moist towelettes completely replaced napkins. I know I'm forgetting something big. Oh! We got rid of daylight saving time! Yeah, that was right after the sun's output mysteriously dropped by a third, presumably due to the Zorns from Alpha Centauri who managed to animate the constellations in the 3rd Stellar Conflict. I sure do miss the extra hour of sleep when the SummerLite season rolls along.

 

Why don't I just take back the instructions on how to make alcohol? Floyd, I'm just an average man. I work in a common DigiCube fragmenting TruInfo until my PulsePlug informs my ChemChip that I can go home to my RoomFlat. You know, I suppose we also have more compound words in my time. Regardless, I wouldn't know how to cook a beer or bake a gin. I'm no hero like you. Now, how about that case?

 

I knew you'd understand! You've changed the future for the better, realize that. My party is going to be so amazing it'll make Mazrax's O.S. Upgrade Jamboree look like the Hologramcaust. Saying that would've been too soon in my time, but I can get away with it here. Anyway, can I get my identification prism back? Thanks. Getting caught without your prism is an ExistenceCrime and an automatic five points added to your PersonalityVector. I can't risk losing another personality trait. I used to be so assured, I think.

 

Here's a check for the alcohol beer. Just do me a favor and don't cash that check for 220 years and, like, a week.