December is a busy month for the shipping industry and online orders are frequently lost in transit. Here are some common problems online shoppers face that could explain your delivery issues.
1. You never ordered anything. What are you waiting for? Go! There's so much stuff you need to buy!
2. The postman didn't ring twice.
3. You called Jeff Bezos a "cocksucker" to his face.
4. Your package was returned to sender. This often happens when a postal worker requires a signature and neither of you have a pen.
5. Someone who looks like you and has the same name coincidentally has the same address.
6. The pickled-mouse-in-a-jar you hurriedly one-clicked was actually sold out.
7. Your delivery driver had too much cargo at the weight inspection and threw your package in the river.
8. Your girlfriend/boyfriend cancelled your order while they were sleepwalking again.
9. You ordered the blu-ray of Speed 2: Cruise Control from an independent seller and it's taking awhile.
10. You had your package shipped to your parents house. Quick -- tell them not to open it! That's your life-size Reese Witherspoon doll.
11. You thought Cyber Monday was the day you could e-mail Amazon customer service reps pictures of your genitals.
12. The human skulls you purchased were damaged during shipping. Please call for a replacement.
13. You DID receive your package -- you just don't remember!
14. Amazon was offended by the jokes you made about the Drone program and they're waiting for a written apology.
15. Amazon's competitors murdered your mailman. Two shots to the head. Nobody saw anything.