So there you have it, gentlemen! Our plan is in motion, and Jurassic Park will officially be up and running six months from today!
Hey, before we all start celebrating, can I just make one teeny tiny suggestion about this 'dinosaur amusement park' idea?
Ughhh, yesss, what is this time, Henry?
What if we bring back SOME dinosaurs, but we DON'T bring back the super-unstoppable killing machine ones?
...I don't follow?
We still bring back a bunch of dinosaurs and call it 'Jurassic Park', but we don't bring back any Tyrannosaurus Rexes or Velociraptors, so they don't kill anyone.
Think about it! What if a T-Rex or a Raptor got loose? They could kill dozens of people and completely undermine all the work we're doing! We'd get shut down immediately.
But T-Rexes are SO badass!
Yeah! And raptors can like, jump and open doors and shit! Who's gonna want to come see a bunch of big stupid long-neck dumbassases roaming around all slow?
Uh, everyone? Literally everyone will still want to come see a place where actual, living dinosaurs are roaming around. Why risk also having people get killed?
I don't know, people are definitely gonna expect a T-Rex at a dinosaur theme park.
You really think people are gonna be like "there's only SOME dinosaurs? Nah, no thanks, not interested."
Think about it -- what if you brought back The Beatles for a reunion tour, but there was no Paul McCartney? How dumb would that be?
If Paul McCartney were a 7-ton killer monster with the brain of a lizard, I would strongly consider not bringing HUGE CROWDS OF PEOPLE to him.
Look, what if you meet me halfway? We do a 'soft launch' of Jurassic Park with no killer dinosaurs, and then if everything runs smoothly for a year or so, maybe we can consider adding some carnivores. But to start, no T-Rexes, no Raptors, and no Dilophosaurs.
...What's that last one?
Dilophosaurs? They're the little green dinos with the colored sails that spit poison.
THOSE ARE THE BEST ONES!!!
Alright, calm down, we'll settle this with a vote. All in favor of Dr. Wu's Stupid "Raptor Free" Jurassic Poop 'soft launch,' say "aye".
All in favor of a Jurassic Park with killer dinosaurs, and renaming the park "So Many Killer Dinosaurs Island," say "aye".
What if...we add EVEN MORE killer dinosaurs! C'mon people! RAP-TORS! RAP-TORS! RAP-TORS! RAP-TORS!
This frog that I was gonna take a DNA sample from just bit off my hand!
See? SEE! We haven't even started yet and stuff's going wrong!
Whoa! The frog changed genders!! It was a female and now it's a male you guys!!!
IT'S A MAGIC FROG!
GET THAT MAGIC FROG A BEER!
Now WHO WANTS AMBER SHOTS??? It's vodka and gummi mosquitos inside orange Jell-O. Spared no expense.
... Fuck it, gimme a handful.
Illustration by Shea Strauss