Whether you like sports or not, the fact remains that the Super Bowl is, without fail, one of the most televised events in human history. But, much like football itself, the event hasn't changed too much since its inception, which is why I've come up with a few improvements I think could make the Super Bowl even more...um....good.
Instead of penalizing athletes for excessive celebration, let's reward the fans with an excessively-well-coordinated celebration. Imagine an army of highly trained Cirque-du-Soleil acrobats backflipping off the uprights every time a player brings it in for 6 and then contorting their bodies into arabesque pyramids of perfection in celebration of a successful extra point conversion. Oh, and there would be like, hella fireworks going off too. If that doesn't get you pumped up about the limitless potential of the human body then you really shouldn't be watching sports in the first place.
For the world of American sports, this game is biggest event of the year; and yet for some reason the people in charge all have the exact same fashion sense as the grandparents you see powerwalking at the mall on Sunday morning. Coaches and athletes love to talk about "going to war" and about the game being a "battle," so why not lead more by example? These are men who command legions of musclebound warriors, their garb should be that of a top-ranking military official, not a pouty, overweight dads who can't go five minutes without breaking their headsets.
What's a good career for someone who spent most of their adult life having their head repeatedly slammed down on a thin layer of fake grass? If you guessed 'speaking coherently for multiple hours' then chances are you've had even more concussions than most color commenators. Instead of hiring a sports-cliche spouting former athlete like Troy Aikman, why not pair Joe Buck (Fox's announcer) with an actual entertainer? That way you have one person that actually knows football, and another who actually knows how to properly host a show. And what better way is there to disperse the subtle miasma of homophobia surrounding american sports than by hiring Neil Patrick Harris to host the event?
Imagine if your team was down by 10 deep in the 4th quarter, and all of a sudden ADRIAN FUCKING PETERSON shows up and starts playing for them. Each team could get three secret player cameos to be deployed at any time during the game. This helps keep the game from being stale and repetitive, which, surprisingly enough, is a problem that sometimes occurs in a game whose rules have barely changed in over 100 years.
Every other aspect of the Superbowl is blown out to the biggest possible extreme, and yet the uniforms remain basically unchanged. I propose a full overhaul of the outfit's design philosophy. Football is all about surprise and keeping your opponents on their toes. In that spirit, each team's uniforms should be a cosmetic extension of their rivalry. Seriously, let's go full Hunger Games on this business. I'm talking futuristic helmets, chrome plating, built-in-LEDs, basically just make each player look Daft Punk's jock older brother. This redesign will also gives people at the watercooler something scandalous to talk about that doesn't involve how many people each player may or may not have murdered! Yay!
Lots of people like to claim they only watch the superbowl "for the commercials," but that's just their way of saying "please invite me to your superbowl party. I promise I'm fun and am secretly very lonely." Unless you think farting animals are the pinnacle of comedy, then chances are good you're lying to yourself about how much actually enjoy superbowl commercials. If Fox really wants to make every ounce of this program enjoyable, they should just cut commercials entirely and replace them with classic, surefire bits from shows like Seinfeld and The Simpsons. Each segment could be sponsored by an individual company, so everything works out. We get a much funnier commercial surrogate, and Fox makes a huge profit without having to do any work.
There's a reason football movies are better than football games, they're perfectly choreographed and plotted to maximize the audience's enjoyment. If we modelled the game off of the WWE method and broadcasted an event that had already been scripted and rehearsed to perfection, it would result in an astounding, climactic experience that would make regular football games look like the junior varsity scrimmage at your local montessori school.
Got any more ideas for improving the Big Game?©? Leave them in the comments!
Additional design work provided by the amazing Randy Mckay