Kia hamsters, we need to talk.
Anyone with a passing knowledge of celebrity culture has seen your new look, and it's clear that you worked really hard to get in shape. And that's great. But we're a little concerned that you're heading down a bad path.
You're just so HOLLYWOOD now. You used to be so refreshingly wholesome! You spent your time with family, or grabbing a few pellets with a close childhood friend, but lately it seems you'd prefer to dance on tables with the rodent glitterati until 6am. You're coloring your fur now, and in a diva-style move, demanding that Lady Gaga's "Applause" be played everywhere you go. It's weird, and we're getting really sick of the song.
It just feels like you guys have changed so much so quickly. You never used to care about fancy clothes. Hell, in 2009 you famously drove around naked. But even when you did dress up, you did it for you, and that's what made you such great role models for younger hamsters. You were never afraid of looking stupid. Remember in 2010 when you were the only ones to point out that riding a toaster was actually a really stupid way to get around town? Or when you brought peace to that robot apocalypse through dance, or crashed that 18th century opera to do Gangnam Style? You didn't care what anyone else thought back then. What happened?
By the way, how come back in 2010, everyone else in the universe was also a hamster, and now they're all humans except for you three? Kinda weird.
Sure, we know you were kind of frumpy before, but we loved you as you were. You never felt the need to change for us. And now you're bending over backwards to impress these skinny human women on treadmills and red carpets, and you don't even care about the fans who got you to where you are.
Of course we want you to be healthy. But real hamsters have curves. The average American hamster is heavier than any of you at your peak weight. And now you've dropped such a dramatic amount of weight, and you're still spending all your time at the gym. Frankly, we're worried that you're overdoing it. You need to know when to stop. There's more to life than this.
When a hamster gets thrust into the national spotlight at such a young age, it's only natural for his or her priorities to become confused. We're concerned that you three are just being manipulated by the system and your need to stay relevant. I mean, the fur gel? And the sunglasses at night? That just isn't the trio of cool-ass baller hamsters we thought we knew. You're playing a dangerous game, Kia hamsters, and you're headed for a fall.
...Huh? What? No, this has nothing to do with the car. We're all still never going to buy a Kia.