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In the Games' kickoff event, enjoy a romantic meal in perfect harmony by ordering two entrees to share and then realizing yours is better and eating it all. For a perfect score, split the check because of "feminism" but really because both of you are secretly bitter, money-grubbing misers.

 

 

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In this precision sport, partners take turns unwrapping and thanking each other for inexpensive, not-that-thoughtful gifts. While one partner's present is always clearly way nicer, success comes to teams who can support each other's best efforts equally.

 

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Uh...what other cheap things can you do on Valentine's Day? Go for a nice walk? That's romantic, right? Extra points are awarded to whichever competitor can suggest "want to head back?" without making it obvious that they've wanted to head back for the past 15 minutes.

 

 

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Speed is the name of the game in this event, where athletes rush to clarify after accidentally implying that they're attracted to one of their significant other's friends during the 400m Nature Walk.

 

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Oh, my God, why are you being so sensitive about this? I just said they're a good-looking person. That's all. I'm not going to hook up with them or anything. They'd never date me. No, you know that's not what I meant. I'M ruining Valentine's Day? ME?! That is rich. I can't believe you! What about the time YOU said [minorly insulting thing from two months ago]?...No, YOU'RE crying!

 

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Slow-dance with each other because it's Valentine's Day so you have to do romantic stuff even though you're actually both incredibly pissed off. While pretending to gaze lovingly into your partner's eyes, tally up your respective points from the rest of the night's events. No matter what the score, no one really wins.