In his recent book, Cat Sense, anthrozoologist John Bradshaw confirmed that which anyone who has ever lived with a cat has known for years: that "domestic" cats are in fact semi-feral animals that happen to cohabitate with humans due to our dextrous can-opening abilities. Here are a few signs that probably tipped Bradshaw off:

 

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95% of a cat's life is spent killing other animals, pretending to kill other animals, and sleeping (while presumably dreaming of killing other animals). The other 5% is spent doing that weird "kneading" thing where they push their paws onto a soft surface one at a time while purring so loudly that it seems like it has to be sexual even though scientists claim it's not.

 

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Untrained cats will attempt to steal food from a human's plate. By using a spray bottle, however, you can train a cat to stay away from your food, unless the food is fish, other seafood, chicken, duck, any other bird, sharp cheese for some reason, cured meat, or literally any other food if the cat has not eaten in the past hour. In any of those cases, save yourself some time and frustration by letting the cat eat your pork chops while you munch on some Friskies.

 

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Any cat owner will tell you that their cat prefers to drink from the leaky bathtub faucet than from the bowl of clean water left out for them. A wild instinct leads cats to seek water from condensation, toilets, glasses and mugs that humans aren't currently holding, other cats' vomit, kitchen sinks, and their own vomit.

 

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When a young male cat (known as a "tommy boy") wakes up from a nap, becomes excited, or just feels like it, he will lift his hind legs over his head and use his tongue to loudly slurp on his tiny, retractable, cat penis, regardless of whether or not a visiting baroness of high esteem has recently taken a sip of her juniper tea.

 

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Cats cannot be trained to stay off the table, so much as they can be trained to stay off the table until you are not looking. We've all heard our fathers claim to have seen trained house cats in the circus long ago. But common sense dictates we can write that off as another of Dad's tall tales, like his seven-mile walk to elementary school and time spent serving in the Cold War. And while some claim to have trained their cats to use a litter box, the truth is that cats actually just like to pee on small rocks (don't knock it: it's oddly satisfying).

 

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It is a common and widespread misconception that, should cat owners die at home, their cats will eat their faces. In reality, cats will attempt to eat their owners faces even if their owners are not dead. This essentially proves that cats are wild, so if you live with a cat, please be safe: play it cool and pretend you're also a cat.