I got pulled over recently, and I must say the new methods they came up with to test your sobriety are extremely hard, whether you're drunk or not.

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The tests start out the same, with the cop asking you to stand straight, close your eyes, and bring your finger to your nose. But if they get even the slightest suspicion, they move on to the next test--

 

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This I did not expect. While I was being tested by one cop, his partner showed up with a Twister board. Apparently all U.S police departments singed an agreement with Hasbro, and are now official partners in the game. Better hope that wheel lands on something easy. They issue 3 rounds of the game before moving on to the next test.

 

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At this point the police flat out turns into a first grade birthday party. Playing "pin the tail on the donkey" as a sobriety test has pretty much the same rules at the regular game. Except being drunk takes the place of spinning you around to get you disoriented. This test actually changes, depends on who pulls you over. Other tests include: I spy, ring toss and hide and seek, which I assume is based on the honor system that you won't just leave while they're hiding.

 

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The regular Alphabet is hard enough to recite backwards, but I guess people who tend to get drunk a lot already memorized it specifically to pass these sobriety tests. So now they started asking you to recite the Klingon one. It's pretty complex. First, the last letter of the Klingon alphabet is an apostrophe, which I don't even know how to pronounce. Second, the language is officially called PlaqD, which when said out loud just makes them think you burped, which does not help your case of proving you weren't drinking.

 

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8 pictures of Paul Rudd smiling throughout 20 years, and I couldn't ID even one. This is literally impossible. The guy doesn't age. I kind of thought for a second I could see a tiny wrinkle being formed between 2002 and 2005, but nope. It just went away in '08. Damn it, Paul Rudd, you handsome devil. You truly are America's sweetheart, aren't you?

 

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This was just cruel. I mean, I like watching models strut around the runway like anyone else, but they really have a hard time, don't they? Managing those high heels is hard, and doing it while wearing a 60 pound dress that has a trail to eternity is just cruel. You've got to hand it to those models, they do not have an easy job. Kind of makes me want to sleep with them even more now.

 

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The last test is a conclusive one. You have to breath right into Lindsay Lohan's face, and she'll determine the exact amount of alcohol in your blood. She's so accurate, right down to the decimal point. When I asked the cops if Lindsay has to always hang around the back with them in case they pull someone over, they said "No. But she's usually here anyway".