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SEX!

Now that I have your attention, Kiev.

As you may have noticed while watching the end of the Olympic Games in Sochi, the conflict in the Ukraine has grown into a situation of global significance. The unrest in Ukraine is divided between two main schools of thought, the first being...hey, hello? Hellooo? I've lost you again. SEX! No, like HOT SEX! Hot sex between a man and a woman. Does that grab your attention? Hot sex between a man and a woman, and the man is married, but the woman doesn't care.

Now let's say the married man is the side of Ukraine that is siding with Russia. While he has interests in his wife at home, he is more interested in having sex with Russia. But why? What does Russia have to offer him, sex-wise? Natural Gas. Ukraine is dependent on Russia for natural gas, and if they were to sever their ties with Russia and lose that energy pipeline, it could be devastating to the Ukrainian economy. Russia also has a vested military interest in Ukraine, including a strategically located military base that is significant because--you're dozing off. I'm losing you. Hello? Can I please have your undivided attention? Please? Ugh, fine.

HANDJOBS! The two main players between Ukraine and Russia are--HANDJOBS--Ukrainian President Viktor F. Yanukovych and Vladimir Putin. They have been giving HANDJOBS, rather, they have been giving each other political favors for years. President Yanukovych was comfortably being given handjobs in office until--HANDJOBS--the protestors forced him to flee his office and possibly the country of Ukraine. Still with me? No one knows where he and his three-car motorcade have gone. I'm losing you again. Um, he fled his office with his much younger girlfriend leaving his wife behind. That's real. It is thought that his girlfriend, who is 24 years his junior, is in the motorcade and his wife was left in Kiev.

Hey! Seriously, can you please keep your attention on this for like 10 seconds!? BOOBS! No, boobs is less than handjobs. Um, how can I get your attention back? I have to tell you about the protestors. It's important. They want Ukraine to side with the European Union and were upset at the former President when he rejected a trade deal with the West and maintained such strong ties with Russia. There must be some way to get your attention back. BUTTS! If boobs didn't work, just butts won't work either.

We need to combine them somehow. I want you guys to understand that this is an extension of old Cold War politics. Russia and the European Union are in an ideological standoff over the former Soviet Republic that we now recognize as Ukraine. I can't do that unless I have your attention and -OOH, I've got it! THREE-WAY! The fleeing of President Yanukovych has created a vacuum of power in the Ukraine and the Ukrainian people must decide, as a country, which way they lean. In a sexual way. Do they want to try getting with the Western powers or do they swing Eastern European? This is difficult to decide because all of this is happening at the same time in one big ORGY of violence and political discord. Ukraine is the girl and the Eastern and Western powers are the two guys. Neither guy wants to make eye contact because they aren't comfortable with the implications and the Ukraine cannot decide which guy they love and which guy is just the other guy in a three-way.

So what will the CLIMAX of all of this be? We don't know yet. You can find out by keeping your eyes on the news and reading about it in--ahem, I said CLIMAX. Hello? You don't care.