1. I can't make little men out of beer cans.
You gaze longingly at Pinterest boards, wishing your hands could craft anything. And then you see Detective Rustin Cohle (McConaughey) carve up some beer cans into the shape of little men. It just made my heart drop. You can't even sew a button. What's wrong with you?
2. I'll never have a cool nickname like The Yellow King.
It's short, sweet and to the point, a remarkable feat for Southern names. RE: Bobby Joe Billy "Bubba" Culpepper
3. We never saw Rust and Maggie REALLY do it.
We knew Rust and Maggie were going to bone. And then it lasted for milliseconds. What a gyp! They hooked up in less time than it took for McConaughey to deliver his Oscar speech. Definitely not alright, alright, alright.
4. That tracking shot will be imitated very poorly by thousands of aspiring film students.
Director Cary Joji Fukunaga get mad props for a six-minute continuous tracking shot during a badass shootout. Get ready for a lot of rip offs, except oddly placed in mumblecore shorts using stolen shots from the quad.
5. Drugs have consequences.
Yes, DARE program, we know. But you don't really want to see the scary, hallucinatory side effects of drugs. You want to see the happy-go-lucky drug effects, like that terrifying biker gang, or that naked man in a gas mask, wielding a machete!
6. Stiff, stuck 90s hair.
Cohle and Hart have to interview a mess of prostitutes in 1995, and all of them have crimped, permed, teased "big hair," complete with back combing. Thumbs up to hair and makeup, but thumbs down to the 1990s. What the hell were we thinking?
7. My existence is pointless, time is a flat circle, all that murder, etc.
Man, Cohle's right. I'm never gonna make little dudes out of those beer cans.