May you never have to wear a polo shirt in an official capacity.

 

May all alumni fundraising letters get sent to your old address.

 

May the old bands you go see never play anything from their new album.

 

May all your unplanned pregnancies be bluffs related to extortion attempts.

 

May your good grandma live longer than the bad grandma.

 

May your high school friends never invite you to Kickstart anything.

 

May the drive through guy mess up and give you free fries every time.

 

May you come across no TV spoilers on Twitter until you can catch up. 

 

May you pay off your student loans before you have to start paying for your child's college tuition.

 

May all your hangovers consist of nothing more than a mild headache and a burrito craving.

 

May nobody remember those photos exist. You know the ones. 

 

May you finish reading this article by the time the light turns green.