Me: This is going to look sweet when it comes in!
(Gazing into mirror at five o'clock shadow)
Fast forward 3 months
Me: Holy crap! Don't even recognize myself now Grizzly Adams! Woo!
Beard: You realize this looks awful right?
Me: I'm sorry?
Beard: Me, the beard, you know I look terrible right? Look at how splotchy and patchy I am.
Me: Nah, you just haven't fully grown out yet. It'll fill in.
Beard: First of all I never understood how I can grow OUT and fill IN pick one. Secondly, you haven't shaved in 3 months! At what speed do you think facial hair grows? See that guy over there no, next him yeah, him. His beard looks awesome and he was clean shaven last week!
Me: Yeah, but look you have established yourself in all the right areas neck, cheeks, chin and above the lip.
Beard: Ok, it's not like I am not trying here I just think my services may be betterused as a goatee or maybe just a soul patch.
Me: Do you remember last week at that party those two chicks totally dug my scruff!
Beard: First off DO YOU REMEMBER THAT PARTY!?!?!? One of those chicks was a guy and the other was a lawn chair. I don't think getting me punched and then landing face first on a folding apparatus qualifies as "dug on my scruff".
Me: So that's where I got this wicked cool scar!
Scar: It's called tetanus might wanna have that looked at.
Beard: Look, my point is we tried and I don't think it's working out. It's not you! It's me! I am just afraid of commitment and I really want to spend my college years experimenting. So text me sometime, k? Laties!