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Learning how to FIGHT TO THE DEATH with offensive magic is an after school activity for a group of twelve year olds. Sure, Harry had to find a way to learn the disarming spell that he would eventually use to defeat Voldemort, but Dumbledore and the others were, like, totally chill with having the second-years know to maime each other with fucking witchcraft and snakes and shit? So not good. 

 

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Hogwarts kids spend most of their time in their dorms and common room with basically no supervision, except for the prefects, who, even though they were the top students, were still just a couple of seventeen year olds who were probably off in their special private bathroom giving eachother sexually transmitted magical maladies. Wait- wasn't Ron a prefect while we was spending a good majority of the sixth book playing Tonsil Quidditch with Lavender fucking Brown? Damn, kids could have died. 

 

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How many times does it mention them drinking firewhiskey? AT SCHOOL? Not to mention the access they have to that entire range of potions that are basically psychoactive drugs. I mean, one time Harry takes that Felix Felicis, which, judging by it's effects, is pretty much Ecstasy, and then goes and gets drunk with his teachers. Then later, Ron gets poisoned, when he's getting drunk with one of his teachers. And everyone's like, "Thank god Harry knew the antidote!", instead of "We should fire Slughorn." 

 

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No magic in the hallways, no magic outside of school, no sneaking out after curfew, no permission to leave campus unless its the weekend AND you have the signature of a parent/guardian. These are all rules at Hogwarts, the breaking of which are consistently essential to the plot, and usually, they're rewarded for it.  

 

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This doesn't even need elaboration, because the person who they're worried about getting caught by when they sneak out is Mrs. Norris, a fucking CAT. 

 

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They make note of how safe and magical Dumbledore keeps the school, and then they turn to soul-sucking monsters that can eat the faces of children when they decide to beef up security because a supposed mass murderer is on the run? Why is Hogwarts even worrying about Sirius Black when every seventh year already knows how to cast unforgiveable curses? 

 

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I know, I know, he's a really beloved character, but they say he's the only one Voldemort is afraid of and his mere presence keeps the school safe..... and then he fucking leaves at random intervals to go put himself in danger in search of the Horcruxes, leaving the school wide open for You Know Who cause they went ahead and got rid of the dementors. Also, everyone evil can go look through the shit in his office whenever they want because his passwords are just candy. 

 

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I mean, why would you want to, when you go to a magical boarding school like Hogwarts? What it lacks in rules, supervision, comprehensive sex ed and people who give a shit what you do, it more than makes up for in feasts, parties, drugs, secret bathtubs, and ghosts. 

We're still hoping for our acceptance letters, though.