The 13 Gods of the Internet Pantheon
By Nathan Yaffe and Caldwell Tanner
The Internet Pantheon Jupvoter: God of the Front page Image: A zeus-esque Reddit alien holding upvote / downvote bolt of lightning The Father of the Internet. He wields the power of votes, but is fickle and kind of a pervert. Listikles: God of Numbered Lists. Image: Buzzfeed-esque Hercules holding a scroll reading "The 12 Epic Labors that Will Change Your Life" Technically a demigod, but the most well known of them all. Herabel: Goddess of Feminism and Social Justice Image: A Jezebel-themed, Greek woman with thick-framed glasses. She's typing on a laptop with a peacock logo on it. While usually correct, her irate nature makes her difficult to be around. She can often be found arguing with Jupvoter. Sharemes: God of Viral Sharing Image: A speedy god with twitter birds on his feet and a hashtag caduceus. Using his tweet feet and hash-staff, he swiftly spreads relatable content amongst the masses. Faprodite: Goddess of Desire Image: Aphrodite on the Clamshell taking a duckface selfie. She specializes in selfies and self....indulgence. You get it. Plutold: God of Dead Jokes Image: He looks like KATZ and is saying "All ur soulz are belong 2 me" Keeper of lost memes and a constant reminder of how old you're getting. Commentares: God of Conflict and Stupid Arguments Image: A fiery warrior on horseback with a fedora. His horse has a troll face. One sword is Butthurt, the other is Rage. He is the fire fed by the ignorance and confidence of man. Wherever he goes, he leaves butthurt and rage in his wake. Cryonysus: God of Empathy Image: A kind bearded man with a laurel crown and an Upworthy color scheme pouring wine labelled "FEELS" into a woman's glass. Her head is exploding. He has a cult of older women that drink in his addictive clickbait and fervidly spread his gospel across "literally" all of Facebook. ArteMEMEis ApLOLllo: The Twin Gods of Humor. Image: Twin Millennial bloggers. Artememeis has a hunger games shirt on. Aplollo wears glasses and wears a shirt with a snake on it. One hunts for new memes, while the other heals the world with funny images and clever wordplay. PoSEOdon: God of the Searching Sea Image: An aquaman-looking-motherfucker with a majestic trident. Each point has a search engine logo on it. Bing's is crooked. Ruler of the Kingdom of Queries. You may seek his counsel by praying to one of his three Oracles, although honestly he can't recommend Bing. Sulkin': God of Original Content Image: A hunched artist drawing a picture of Jupvoter. This forsaken god slaves away making stuff for the Internet that Jupvoter often takes credit for. Athenapedia: Goddess of Know-It-Alls Image: A nerdy female warrior holding a phone with an owl-cover. She is holding up a finger. She uses her vast intellect in the pursuit of reminding total strangers how smart she is. Quote: "Umm actually this list is inaccurate because it uses a mixture of the Greek and Roman nomenclature to describe this so-called 'Pantheon'."