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Most people enjoy paying taxes, but there is a small minority that find it slightly irritating. You probably never noticed. But what happens if you wake up one day and suddenly find yourself among them? What do you do? Join a picket line? Write your congressman? Flee the country and start a new life?

Relax. Turns out the process of pouting over your financial obligation to contribute to society is actually much simpler than it sounds.

 

1. Find someone to complain to.

Could be a friend or a co-worker, or could be a complete stranger for all it matters. Maybe call in to a radio station. Or comment on a YouTube video that has nothing to do with this subject. Any setting will do, because as long as there's someone there to listen, that person will always be interested to hear your insight on the current state of taxes. Always.

 

2. Strike up a conversation.

Assuming you're doing this in person, that is. Say something like, "Oh hey, the weather's pretty nice/bad/normal today," or "How about that local sports team?"

 

3. Pretend you're interested in what the other person is saying.

Smile and nod.  Laugh when they laugh. People love that shit. This way, the other person will pretty much have to listen when it's your turn to speak (the whole point of starting a conversation in the first place, obviously), and then you'll really have your chance to shine. Oh look, they're starting to finish!  Wait for it...just one...more...syllable...okay go!

 

4. Complain about your taxes.

Tell the other person your taxes are too damn high. Doesn't matter that taxes are necessary for society to function, or that U.S. taxes are near all-time lows. What matters is this: Did you pay $0 in taxes last year? More than $0? Then they're TOO DAMN HIGH.

 

5. Say it isn't fair.

If you're rich, complain about all the freeloaders who get to just keep all $19,000 they made last year to themselves, and if you're poor, complain about how rich people ought to pay more. If you're in the middle class, it's even easier: just complain about EVERYONE.

 

6. Blame it on the President.

Because that's totally the way taxes work. Sure, Congress is the one that, you know, actually decides how much taxes are (and oftentimes several years before you get around to paying them), but if you don't like the amount they come up with, it's the President's fault, whoever happens to be president at the time. Damn that lousy President!

 

7. Recite that Benjamin Franklin quote about death and taxes.

You know, the one that's been around since the 1700's? That thing never gets old.

 

8. Do your taxes.

 

9. Nine months later, return to Step 1.