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Before you get to hackin', you gotta dress the part, which means having no fewer than seven wacky affectations (either pieces of clothing or physical tics).

 

These can include, but are not limited to: Hawaiian shirts, sunglasses indoors, a pen you constantly flip around, white person dreads, a vaguely anarchic t-shirt with giant cryptic text on it, a chain hanging from nowhere to nowhere, offputting horniness, a short lady-haircut that is slightly uncommon for ladies, an ill-fitting ballcap, obvious rampant Asperger's, glasses but like WEIRD ones, or a nerdy doll you're constantly kissing for good luck (at HACKING!)



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To show off your incredible hacking ability and geeky arrogance, proudly declare how easy the hacking job will be, even if it clearly sounds impossible.

 

EXAMPLE: "Break into the Fort Knox mainframe and steal all the gold digitally? Psh. I thought you had a challenge for me."



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"Access Restricted Area. Access Central Mainframe Hardware. Bypass Firewall Database Encryption...and....ENTER." As a true hacker, you have to simultaneously type impossibly fast while also saying everything you're doing out loud, or else it just won't work.



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Hey man, this movie's PG-13. Earn it! "Son of a BITCH" and "God DAMN it!" are also acceptable. Sometimes the problem will be a big "ACCESS DENIED" graphic, and sometimes it'll be a bunch of green numbers scrolling by real fast, but the important thing is, run into a problem and swear about it.



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Instantly come up with a solution for the unforeseen problem and explain it with pseudo-technical jargon spoken way too fast for anyone to realize that nothing you said made sense or is anything, then follow-that up with a flimsy real-world analogy for what you're doing.

 

EXAMPLE: "If I can reroute the central power converter to THINK it's being accessed from within the local mainframe, it might just give me access to the Global Computerrino. If only you could program women this easily..."



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At this point, one of three 'encryption' graphics will be on the screen: The villain's face, a skull-and-crossbones graphic, or a bikini lady wagging her finger 'no'. Don't panic: These are classic "Hacker Stoppers" and they can be easily defeated by typing and/or inserting a floppy disk or any object (belt buckle?) into any part of the computer, then saying "c'mon, c'monnnn..."



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Self-explanatory.



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Now it's time for one of three outcomes:

 

1) If you're the main hero, now you defeat the villain and make out with your love interest.

 

2) If you're the main hero's quirky hacker sidekick, now you watch them defeat the villain then make out with their love interest while you sit there and go "we did it!"

 

3) If you're the villain, well, the hero or their hacker friend is gonna repeat all these steps from #1 then defeat you with good hacking. Sorry dude! You should've encrypted the Global Computerrino with a wackier bikini graphic.

 

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Other Hacker Movie Tips? Leave 'em in the comments!