Designed by Shea Strauss.
Every College Newspaper Opinion Piece Ever
By Will Stephen
The University Eyeopener A Cross Roads for this University's Integrity The founders of this college founded this college in 1604 upon one principle and one principle only: do that which is good, and not that which is not good, lest otherwise. It is in the glorious wake of those illustrious words that, in the midst of my second year at this esteemed institution (Zounds! Where has the time gone!), I should encounter such an egregious groundswell of ill-advised Establishment support for a miasmic problem such as the one currently plaguing both our campus, our psyches, and most importantly, fellow concerned citizen, our - what is the word? Ah, yes - morals. Historical figure Edmund Burke once spoke in favor of morals. And yet so often we find ourselves foolishly forgetting this, especially with regard to moral quandaries such as the one currently facing our board, our student body, our president, and our board. Never in my nineteen-and-a-half years on this sweet green earth have I encountered such tragic and offensive institutional malpractice and ideological assplay. But alas. What is to be done? We have a myriad of myriad options. First, oust the provost. After months of stalled reform and protests, our provost has continued to remain noticeably moot on the matter, a point that would be mute were it not for his outspoken and outlandish silence on last month's debate in these hallowed pages. Are we to stand idly by and let this smug Hitler rape our ethical code willy nilly?! Enough is enough. Fie on him. Fie on him! Second, transparency. This speaks for itself. Like Macklemore said, we shall overcome. But finally -- and let this be my war cry that will echo for centuries forth from the courts of Keefe Gym to the transit road where freshmen get dropped off -- let us stand together as brethren under the banner of higher education, bolstered by wisdom of the past and tethered to the fates of our children and their children's children, and, together, dear, dear reader join our voices as one AND: start a conversation. Let our tongues be our scabbards! Take to the dining halls! Rape, pillage, discuss! Take no prisoners, spare no children. A dialogue starts now. May our names be engraved in stone and sung by the bards that will jaunt across our quads for millennia to come. We are silent no more! Today, we take to the streets, we rise up in arms, and converse! My point is: the swedish meatballs in Commons frickin' suck. That needs to be fixed ASAP, or I swear to God. Also, I'm really digging the album Kid A by Radiohead right now. Random, I know.