There's a few movie character archetypes that, through a combination of their cliched overuse and my own 'being older and not liking things,' I can no longer root for in a way that Hollywood seems to want me to root for them. Here are 10 examples:
Hey movie thieves: Stop stealing shit! It's illegal and annoying. If your 'big heist' were happening in real life, NO ONE would be like "C'mon, slick thief guys!! Pull off that cool elaborate bank job so you can retire!!!" We'd just be like, "Fuck those thieves. They should stop being thieves and start being not-thieves. Why are they all in suits?" "We've got company -- it's the cops!" That's right, thieves! The cops have arrived, because you're stealing a bunch of shit and that's illegal. They're here to stop you from doing it. That's how the Earth works. You all have INCREDIBLE hacking skills -- why not 'hack' your résumé over to Google and maybe you won't have to listen to clicking bank safes through stethoscopes when you're 45?
A word to Bluto Blutarsky, Van Wilder, and Stiffler's 7th Cousin From American Pie 11: American Culinary TITS-stitute: Did you know it doesn't take superhuman powers to drink a lot in college AND pass your classes? It's true! You can drink a lot Friday and Saturday and a couple other nights, then also study and take tests and shit. I did it, and I'm ME, an idiot who sucks at things. So why should I root for you?
I know you're happy that your hijinks at the big Annual Campus Thingie made the square Dean real STEAMED for a few minutes, but now you owe your parents eleven million dollars. Hope it was worth it!
Jesus, you crazy movie cops, there's "rules" for a reason. GOOD rules. Rules written by other cops, who were like "Hey, after 50 years as a cop, I thought of some good cop rules -- let's write 'em down to help future cops be good at copping."
Sure, if there's some dumb bureaucratic detail getting in the way of you doing the right thing, then feel free to bend the rules a bit, but that DOESN'T mean we should root for you to cause billions of dollars in collateral 'car and exploded-building' damage in reckless pursuit of "one of the most RESPECTED men in our community" because he secretly might be a VILLAIN even though your Captain told you to drop it and suspended you seven times.
I feel for you, shy dudes -- I went to an all-boys' school until 9th Grade and had no idea how to even be in the same ROOM as a lady until well into my late 40s. But just because you're a nice shy dude and you're attracted to a nice popular girl AND her current boyfriend is a douchebag, that doesn't mean that you belong together, or that her ignoring you is some sort of grand cosmic injustice that MUST be righted.
What are we rooting for here, exactly? For this nice popular girl to take pity on the shy guy (or find his 'true' beauty or whatever) then have super awkward sex that isn't pleasant for either of them then they stay together from high school or college through the rest of their lives? There's more than one nice dude in the world, movie -- the popular girl and the shy nerd can probably BOTH find non-assholes who they're each way more compatible with.
"BECKY FLIMBLEFLAM IS A BUSY BIG-CITY TV PRODUCER WHO'S ALSO A LAWYER-CHEF"
[Becky gets splashed by honking cab while carrying giant pile of boxes with her frazzled hair]
"WHO NEVER HAD TIME TO MEET A MAN THUS MAKING HER LIFE VALID"
["Becky, you gotta stop working so hard and comb your hair and take that one piece of toilet paper off your Doc Martens and meet a MAN"]
"UNTIL ONE DAY, THIS WORTHLESS INDEPENDENT HUMAN... FINALLY BUMPED HEADS WITH A KINDA HOT DUDE WHO WASN'T INSTANTLY A SCUMBAG WHO YELLS AT WAITERS"
Etc. etc. Why do we have to root for this character to adjust her life to be less what it is? Should every woman be penalized for not realizing that their lives should eventually become rom-com endings? Fuck that. KEEP THAT HAIR FRAZZLED, BECKY! DO YOUR THING!