There's nothing quite like a visit from someone you haven't seen in a while to make you happy, nostalgic, and eventually furious.

 

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You drove twelve hours to get here, but you won't drive another ten minutes to meet me at a restaurant that I picked out because I think you'll like it? You're going to eat at the Panera Bread next to your hotel instead? Okay, I'll see you tomorrow after you visit a tourist attraction that no local would ever go to and see a movie that is playing in theatres nationally.

 

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Thanks for tagging me (and forty other people) in this Facebook note reading  "In town for two days! I'll be at WineBar14 some time in the 5-11 PM range, Thursday-ish. You should totally come out! It would be GREAT to see all your faces!" I just didn't know you meant that you would literally only see my face, and not talk to it at all. I can't wait to spend this evening making small talk with the other people you know from my area while watching you try to sleep with the one person you actually came here to see.

 

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When I said you could "crash" here, I meant it figuratively, meaning that you could sleep on my couch for a few days. I did not mean it literally, meaning that you could knock a bunch of glassware off my shelf because you came home wasted on your eighth night of living here rent-free. When I ask what your plan is, I'm not looking to hear about how you're "playing it by ear, maybe renting a bike". I'm telling you to leave. Please leave.

 

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You're right, I did say it was walking distance. Six blocks is walking distance. No, I don't think we should have taken the minivan. It's parked three blocks away and the closest parking would be three blocks past our destination. Come on. I know there's a TV in the van, but I'll let you tell me about Modern Family for the entire walk over.

 

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Haha, yes, I do recognize that movie reference. I recognized it the first time you made it, and then the following seven times as well. Let's just move on to our only topic of conversation: rehashing the same stories about something we did once in the past that we talked about last time you visited.

 

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Not only do you demand surrender and then murder our princes, you leave your used coffee grinds in the French press so I have to clean it before I can use it? So rude!

 

Illustrated by Dave Mercier.