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Look at you, breezing around town with no backpack or messenger bag or purse weighing you down! Footloose and fancy-free. You are so totally free of fancies. You don't even have ONE SINGLE FANCY. Everyone else is tied down with their dumb possessions, but you're living a life of ADVENTURE. You could just hop on a plane right now. Well, not a plane out of the country, because you don't have your passport. And you probably don't really want to go anywhere overnight, because you don't have your toothbrush or a change of clothes or your contacts case or your allergy pills. But the point is, you COULD.

 

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Ooh, that's a disgusting pile of liquidy animal feces. Bet that'll really ruin someone's day. But not yours! Because you WATCH where you're going in this world. And you see that pile of poop coming from STEPS away. You weren't distracted like some dummy texting their friends, even though you definitely do get texts all the time from lots of friends and not just your mom. March on, you confident, popular, skilled-at-walking human being.

 

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*Note: this one only works if it's raining. If it's not raining, you screwed up AGAIN, you goddamn loser.


Look at all these CHUMPS with wet feet and heads! IDIOTS. Yeah, nice try, Guy Holding a Folded-Up Newspaper Over His Head Like He's in a Rainstorm in a Movie. He's not fooling anyone. Only you, with your wisdom and foresight, have the freedom to stand ankle-deep in puddles and not even GIVE A F*CK. See how prepared you were? Your mom was totally wrong about you depending on her for everything. And anyway, even if she was right, it's like, well, who raised me to be like that? YOU DID, Mom. You did.

 

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Now, this is the mark of a successful adult. You're getting stuff DONE. You're busy! Too busy to wait around and make coffee at home or work or wherever you're going! And the best part is, no one has to know that it's full of hot chocolate. Just like the kind Mom made you when you were a kid because she confused food with love and stuffed you full of sugar and an unhealthy body image when all you really needed was for her to just BELIEVE in you, and now you're going to be messed up forever and everyone can tell. They're looking at your coffee cup like they KNOW.

 

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Just stay home.