"OK cool! Now I'm just going to scroll back through each of these pictures, and one by one, through a simple process of deduction by elimination, identify Becca. Basic logic, really. Shouldn't take too long. My favorite part of dating."
"Hmm, I WAS going to swipe left, but then I saw that panty-dropping mirror shot. I mean, wow! Homeboy knows how to sit-up, huh? Not a bad bathroom interior either. Pretty nice marble counter. Well, it's settled then. I'm sleeping with him."
"You know, I like guys who are mature for their age. And what could be more attractive than a twenty-five-year-old all-natural grey fox? Such a nice CHANGE from all the CHILDREN on this thing. Sign. Me. Up."
"I like a funky creative type. Someone who is super, like, off, you know? Eccentric, artsy, quirky as hell. And nothing says that better than a slight camera tilt. I get kind of disoriented for a sec, and to be honest, that horns me up."
"OMG! Did he ACTUALLY just say that?! That is SO rude and COCKY!! Like, who the HELL does he think he IS?! I mean... it takes balls to put that in your bio I guess... Pretty hot, actually... Fuck..."
"What's this now... Who is this creature, shrouded in secrecy, this beauty... I must know you... Is it possible to love and yet not to see? Ay, you've proven it so... Come to me... My mystery, my enigma..."
"ADORABLE!!! And ooo, must be a family man. He's nice, he's kind, he wants to settle down eventually. Pretty hot stuff goin' on here. I mean, dogs = babies, right? Well at least that's what my uterus is telling me. Might as well follow that."
"WHOA! Um... high roller much? They must be, like, pretty good friends then, right?! I mean, yeah, they must. This probably means I could hang out with that A-List globetrotting uber-celeb on the reg too... Very attractive quality in someone... God, so crazy when you find your soulmate that fast..."
"Wow... I, I'm speechless... I mean, yeah, I guess I've just never thought about it that way... You know, you're something. No, you really are, I mean it. You... get it. I could learn a lot from you. What do you say we go on a shitty date?"
"Yo you're saying I can chat with you on a website?! Hell yeah. Pssh credit card info ain't no thang. But hey, I think I love you, for real. Like, for real for real. Take all my shit."