1. Every Picture is a Group Picture
"OK cool! Now I'm just going to scroll back through each of these pictures, and one by one, through a simple process of deduction by elimination, identify Becca. Basic logic, really. Shouldn't take too long. My favorite part of dating."
2. Semi-Nude Bathroom Selfie
"Hmm, I WAS going to swipe left, but then I saw that panty-dropping mirror shot. I mean, wow! Homeboy knows how to sit-up, huh? Not a bad bathroom interior either. Pretty nice marble counter. Well, it's settled then. I'm sleeping with him."
3. Lying About Your Age
"You know, I like guys who are mature for their age. And what could be more attractive than a twenty-five-year-old all-natural grey fox? Such a nice CHANGE from all the CHILDREN on this thing. Sign. Me. Up."
4. Weird Camera Angles
"I like a funky creative type. Someone who is super, like, off, you know? Eccentric, artsy, quirky as hell. And nothing says that better than a slight camera tilt. I get kind of disoriented for a sec, and to be honest, that horns me up."
5. "Negging" in Bio
"OMG! Did he ACTUALLY just say that?! That is SO rude and COCKY!! Like, who the HELL does he think he IS?! I mean... it takes balls to put that in your bio I guess... Pretty hot, actually... Fuck..."
6. Hiding Your Face
"What's this now... Who is this creature, shrouded in secrecy, this beauty... I must know you... Is it possible to love and yet not to see? Ay, you've proven it so... Come to me... My mystery, my enigma..."
7. Holding a Dog
"ADORABLE!!! And ooo, must be a family man. He's nice, he's kind, he wants to settle down eventually. Pretty hot stuff goin' on here. I mean, dogs = babies, right? Well at least that's what my uterus is telling me. Might as well follow that."
8. Pictures with Celebrities
"WHOA! Um... high roller much? They must be, like, pretty good friends then, right?! I mean, yeah, they must. This probably means I could hang out with that A-List globetrotting uber-celeb on the reg too... Very attractive quality in someone... God, so crazy when you find your soulmate that fast..."
9. "Meaningful" Quotes
"Wow... I, I'm speechless... I mean, yeah, I guess I've just never thought about it that way... You know, you're something. No, you really are, I mean it. You... get it. I could learn a lot from you. What do you say we go on a shitty date?"
"Yo you're saying I can chat with you on a website?! Hell yeah. Pssh credit card info ain't no thang. But hey, I think I love you, for real. Like, for real for real. Take all my shit."