1. Get a job at a local newspaper and convince your editor to let you go undercover as a student to get the dirt on your alma mater. Reinvent yourself, fall deeply in love with a professor, and betray their trust when your cover is blown at the big dance.

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Publish an article explaining that what the two of you had WAS real - everything you told them was true, except your name and your job. And if they can ever find it in their heart to give you another chance, you'll be waiting on the pitcher's mound tonight for them to kiss you.

 

2. Just, like, don't leave?

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Right? Just stay in your off-campus housing. You can probably keep attending classes and parties and no one will really care. Plus, no more homework!

 

3. Identify a freshman target on campus and befriend them. Gradually assume their habits, appearance, relationships, and credit card number.

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Then kill them and throw the body in a lake. Look who just earned herself four more years of beer pong!

 

4. Get amazing at physics and build a massive electromagnet that decelerates the motion of the earth, slowing the progress of time.

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Who cares if atmospheric inertia pulls trees and buildings out of the ground and throws the oceans' tides out of rhythm, effectively destroying human life on Earth as we know it? You've got PARTYING to do!

 

5. Apply to graduate school.

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