1. Jessie's Girl from "Jessie's Girl"
Here's what we know about Jessie's Girl:
-She's with Jessie
-She has a body, and Jessie probably touches it
-Rick Springfield covets her
Has any song written about one person ever revealed so little about them? Axl Rose packs more info about his lady in the first line of "Sweet Child O' Mine" and then delivers some solid snake dancing to boot.
2. Davy, Who's Still in the Navy from "Piano Man"
Davy is at a bar talking to Paul, who's a "real estate novelist," which sounds like a made up nonsense job, like being a life coach, but that's besides the point. What I want to know is, what makes Davy tick? Why has he been in the Navy so long? What percentage as his existence is centered around the fact his name rhymes with his career choice? Also, is he the one spilling beer all over the fucking microphone?
3. Uncle Charles from "The Crossroads"
RIP Uncle Charles. You had a long life full of... well, we don't know what exactly. But you were the uncle of someone in a moderately successful rap group and immortalized with two mentions in their biggest song and a pretty goddamn creepy/depressing music video, which is better than most I guess. Count your blessing and stuff, everyone.
4. William (or Bill or Billy or Mac or Buddy) from "All I Wanna Do"
Sheryl Crow opens a pandoras box of questions with her introduction of William, who she's sure is lying about his name for reasons that aren't totally clear. Bill or Billy? Sure, both are shorthand for William. But Mac or Buddy? That requires further explanation.
She later settles on Billy, and describes in great detail how he destroys all of the labels on his Buds, which he then throws on the ground. He's also apparently lighting matches and yelling at them. Sheryl, I don't think this is a lovable down-on-his-luck type you're describing. Clearly crazy? Drinking in a sketchy Los Angeles bar on a Tuesday afternoon? Billy is an amalgamation every of a serial killer ever to grace "America's Most Wanted." He has a drifter in his trunk. Call the police.
5. The English Teacher from "My Name Is"
How you remember Eminem's ill-fated English teacher depends largely on if your parents would let you buy the explicit version of this album in 1999. In the unedited version, he wants to have sex with an underage Em, which ends with Mathers stapling his testicles -- harsh but fair, we might agree. The other ends with Eminem slapping his around a bit after he threatens to fail him, which seems like more of a miscarriage of justice.
No wonder everyone thinks of Eminem as a genius. What a tangled web of competing, morally gray narratives he weaves here.
6. The 7 Women on Glenn Frey's Mind from "Take it Easy"
The first part of this song has confused me ever since the Eagles were forced on me while sitting in the backseat of my dad's car (which is how I imagine everyone first experiences The Eagles). Sure, one of these ladies just wants to be friends (it's cool, we've all been there brah). But four want to "own" him -- which either sounds sexist or illegal, and two want to "stone" him. Drugs? Rocks? As a group or separately?
7. The Unnamed "You" from "You Oughta Know"
Alanis was wronged by this guy, that much is clear, but we don't really know much else. Unless as rumored, it's actually Dave Coulier from "Full House," in which case we know quite a bit about him. Namely that he played Uncle Joey on "Full House," and was fellated by an angsty '90s Canuck songstress in a movie theater.