Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
10 INSANE New Features in Mario Kart 8
June 6, 2014
1. To increase realism, characters can text while smashing their cars into each other.
2. Luigi's vehicle won't start unless he blows into a little tube and gets less than a 0.02.
3. A lot of new items with which to destroy other drivers, such as fireballs, a boomerang, and passive-aggressive comments.
4. While coins were also collected in SNES MarioKart, in this game they are to be used properly after each level in investing in sources of passive income, learned from the mandatory, in-game "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" seminar.
5. Heated seats, dual seatback DVD players, and keyless entry. All come standard.
6. New playable characters from the Mario universe include a smiling cloud, a green pipe, and Tennis Mario from Mario Tennis
7. Between every race, Mario's dad awkwardly and gruffly reminds him to change his kart's oil. It's just how he expresses his love.
8. Before the race begins, players must go door-to-door to lobby the voters of Mushroom Kingdom to vote yes on ballot measure 24-148, which would allocate billions to build multiple go-kart racing tracks, some of which go underwater and into outer space. If the measure passes, union-only contractors may submit bids. Construction should take about a year, and then play begins.
9. One race in the Flower Cup accurately recreates San Diego rush hour traffic.
10. If you smash into another kart, you have to stop, pull over, and exchange insurance information.
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