For most people, life is little more than a series of rules and obligations determined by others. Well not anymore. If you're tired of feeling powerless, don't just take it out on your rearview mirror on the way home from work, DO something about it. Channel your inner Joker (Heath Ledger Joker, not Jack Nicholson) and use that anger to give those out-of-touch fat cats controlling your life a taste of their own medicine:
Take that, CEO of JPMorgan Chase! Bet you weren't expecting to see THAT when you opened that package labeled "To: Asshole Banker" and thought it was just another check! You do personally process all payments for your multinational corporation, right? Of course you do. Like you're really going to delegate a task that important to one of your 200,000 worldwide employees, most of whom are average middle class citizens just trying to get by in this crazy world. As if! Good luck inventing a machine to magically sort all those coins for you, dickhead!
Sorry not sorry, Mr. Tax Man! If you want to write ME a refund check for $700 and change, you're going to have to wait. February, March, April...is this guy EVER going to collect on the interest-free loan he unknowingly issued the government last year? Well keep squirming, Irwin R. Schyster. In fact, send me just ONE more courtesy reminder about the approaching deadline and I might even ask for an extension! TRY ME.
Those Big Government fascists over at the White House started a policy where if a petition gets enough signatures they HAVE to respond to it. Whoops! Totally left the door open for sick-minded rebels like yours truly to swoop in and CRASH THE ENTIRE SYSTEM didn't they? Have fun taking time out of your busy schedule of screwing everyone 24/7 to type up an official response for why William Hung shouldn't be the new face of the $1 bill, Mr. President! Serves you right!
Aw, what's wrong, Applebee's? Upset your precious underling "Sarah" (IF that is her real name) got a scathing hand-written critique of your prices on my receipt last Saturday instead of an actual tip? Well too bad! That's what happens when you corporate big wigs forget about the little guys who keep your business running and start charging $0.50 for extra tortillas. What was I supposed to do? Stuff ALL that fajita filling you gave me into just three soft tacos? That scam might work on the other sheeple but not this guy! BURRRRRRRRN.
That way you and your co-workers can talk shit about him or her right to their face without them even knowing. Just like old "Hootie and the Blowfish" over there. Don't you hate how "Hootie and the Blowfish" always has to one-up everything you say? And how "Hootie and the Blowfish "sent out that mass email about workspace cleanliness when she's actually the biggest slob in the entire office? What a hypocrite! Okay shh, shh, here she comes. Oh hey, Julia! So Julia, we were just discussing how everyone stopped liking Hootie and the Blowfish in 1995, crazy right?
So, Amazon, remind me again how much you're going to charge me to mail this giant box of crap I don't really need right to my doorstep? Oh, that's right: NOTHING. ZERO. ZILCH. Sorry, should've thought about that before you started offering free shipping on purchases of $35 or more on items I only buy because the shipping's free! Have fun explaining that one to investors when your stock price plummets tomorrow, losers!
Sure, Netflix, I'll go ahead and "try" your service free for a month. That's TOTALLY an effective way to potentially convert me into a paying customer. SIKE! LOL you know as soon as the month's over I'm just going to cancel it! I mean sure, I do still have like 100 episodes of West Wing to watch and I am kind of curious about Sons of Anarchy too, but how long is that going to take? Like two or three months, tops? Congratulations on making a whole $20 off someone who's not even going to keep his membership AND who's going to tell all his friends and family to pull the same scheme! Sky's the limit with a business plan like that!
Want to REALLY teach the man a lesson? Then hit him where it hurts: his growing arsenal of unmanned aerial vehicles he uses to spy on and eliminate security threats. Just wait till you see the look on General Assbag's face when he tries to launch a counter-attack on Islamic terrorists and his trusty drone starts doing barrel rolls and loopty loops instead! Can you imagine?
Okay first you just need to jam the drone's communications link, then you need to transmit a new GPS frequency, which the suddenly-aimless drone will already be searching for by default. Once you've recalibrated the vehicle's coordinates, now it's time to...oh, hang on a minute. Just need to close this pop-up window on my computer and...WHOA. What the fuck? Is that my sister? Tied up in a chair with duct tape over her mouth? What the fuck is happening? Wait, who's in the room with her? Oh God, is that fucking Steven Seagal? SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK. Why is Steven Seagal doing naked karate in a room with my sister right now? What have I done?!??
You know what? On second thought, maybe it's not such a good idea to try and "stick it to the man." Who is "the man" anyway? Does anyone really know? If not, what's the point in antagonizing someone you don't even know who might just turn out to be an omnipotent force more insanely powerful than anything you've ever imagined? No, the more I think about it, the best way to stick it to the man is probably just to do what you're told and never question authority and basically just cherish every moment of the perfectly adequate life we've all been blessed with for as long as it lasts.
Oops, did I say just cherish it? The shadowy figure smoking a cigar in the corner of my bedroom right now seems to think might not be sufficient. Apparently, the best course of action is actually to "abandon all hope and submit to a lifetime of subtle brainwashing with minimal resistance." Did I get that right? Okay good. Using these helpful tips, anyone can...oh come on, what now? What are you pointing at? The window? What's happening over...OH GOD. Is that Iron Man!? But you're not even real! No, not the uni-beam! Tell my sister I love her!
Nothing to see here.