FROM: Jeremy Grant, CPA
TO: The Protagonist From The Sublime Song "Santeria"
SUBJECT: YOU HAD A MILLION DOLLARS
Dude... what the HELL happened?
You had a MILLION DOLLARS in the bank just four weeks ago, and now you're completely broke? Maybe I'm naive, but I REALLY didn't think you were being literal when you said you were gonna spend the ENTIRE MILLION trying to track down and murder some dude who stole your girlfriend away.
How did you even SPEND that much money??
Why didn't you just hire a private investigator? They're not that expensive. Instead, looking through your credit statement, I see that you booked first-class flights to random cities, then BOUGHT A CAR in every city and drove around randomly looking for this dude? And staying in 5-star hotels while you were there, but booking TWELVE rooms at a time under different aliases to "throw him off your trail"? WHY?
I see that you also bought a brand-new, custom gold-plated Colt .45 EVERY SINGLE DAY for 28 straight days just so you could yell "Daddy's got a new .45!" and have it be accurate? First of all, it's still "new" if it's a COUPLE days old, and second of all, who cares?
Then the real kicker, you won a Sotheby's auction for Pablo Picasso's "Nude Descending A Staircase" then threw the painting at a guy on the street you THOUGHT was the guy who stole your woman? Not only did it turn out to just be some random dude, but also, you spent $118 million for that painting. YOU'RE $117 MILLION IN DEBT NOW.
I'm trying my best to hold your creditors at bay, but honestly -- and I'm telling you this as a friend, not just a financial advisor -- it is REALLY not helping your legal case that you're going around musically declaring your intentions to murder your rival and domestically abuse your ex-girlfriend. Criminal law isn't my forte, but I'm guessing most judges would frown on this.
What happened to the financial plan we laid out?? $450k for that beautiful ranch home near the coast in Napa was a STEAL, then we were gonna invest the rest in a medium-risk mutual fund and allocate a couple hundred bucks for ONE gun in the event you came across your bandito rival. That house is gonna be worth DOUBLE that in 5 years.
And you could've EASILY found another woman! I know that's getting personal, but you HAVE to get over this girl -- she's a grown woman and can make her own choices, and she's chosen "Sancho." Sack up and deal with it.
I'll be in touch about a wage garnishment plan to begin repaying this $117 million, but in the meantime, expect the bank to repossess all 28 guns within the next 48 hours. Your soul will have to wait, and more importantly, so will EVER HAVING A CREDIT SCORE EVER AGAIN.
And don't give me any of that "I ain't got no crystal ball" BS. We BOTH knew this would happen.
Yeaaaahhh, yeahhhh, yeah,
- J. Grant, CPA
P.S. I would have suggested destroying those recordings where you declare your intention to commit violent crimes, but it appears word has already gotten out to every dude with a guitar on every college campus nationwide. Sorry, man.