We can all agree that pooping in public and exercising are two things no one actually wants to do right?? FINALLY THERE'S AN EASIER WAY: With this simple routine you can get both done without breaking a sweat!!
Your first instinct in any public toilet is to avoid touching the seat with your body which is why you'll want to start your session with the "Sterile Hover". Pressing your hands against the walls for support, slowly lower yourself towards the bowl. With a little effort you might be able to get close enough to do your business without actually making any contact with the seat, but you'll definitely be CHISELING your core and shoulders in the process!
Less than half of all public bathroom stalls have working locks and even if your particular stall has one, can you really trust it? No worries! Once you've inevitably given up and taken a seat on that public porcelaine, a quick set of alternating "No-Lock" Leg Extensions will help you keep that stall door completely shut while DESTROYING those hamstrings and calves!
Even if you can keep that door shut it doesn't mean your public pooping identity is safe. That's why it's time to turn to the powers above, spiritually and physically. Push those palms together, pray no one else finds you out and lift those knees high above the toilet until you're out of sight. Hold this pose for as long as you can to stay hidden and to OBLITERATE those quads and forearms!
Just as soon as you realize you're safe from outsiders though, you'll start to notice the real dangers are inside the stall with you. Stains and puddles lay in wait, just one accidental touch could be enough to give you that public bathroom smell all day. You can avoid what's in front of you but what about behind you... Churn out a few Shirt-Savers to make sure your clothes stay safe and dry while JACKING UP the flexibility of those shoulders!
Once you're almost done, you will of course realize you've forgotten the most important thing, TOILET PAPER. And since this is a desolate disgusting place it's definitely not readily available. A couple reps of "Searching Shoulders" will help you locate what little TP is available and SHRED your abs in at the same time!
Naturally after searching, you'll realize you picked the one stall devoid of any traces of paper so your going to have to look elsewhere. Reach out to that tiny bit of paper hanging down in the next stall over with a few TP Struggle Stretches. You're gonna PUMP UP your your leg and arm girth, plus you might even be able to grab something to wipe with!
Once you've finished doin' the deed and you're all cleaned up, you don't want to spend another second on that ceramic bowl of filth. So cap off your workout with a Squat Finale, it's the quickest way to get off that toilet and the quickest way to get your quads and gluts SUPER MEGA-RIPPED!!
Oops looks like you jumped up a little too violently and a little pee came out. Clean yourself up and go back to your desk in shame.
Exercising is all about improving so better luck next time!
Illustrated by Joel Duggan