From Johnny Mo on
1.Betty O.: Okay first off, the line to get in was horrendous. I think I stood outside for a solid 700 years. To make matters worse, the WiFi was password protected. An inconsiderate oversight to all the patrons. Then once you get in you're welcomed by another waiting area where you have to sit and wait to register for the different torture chambers, deaths and meal plans. Of course there were no vegan options which I thought was weird considering how many people from West L.A. have relocated here. You would think they would be a little more accommodating to the dominating demographic. After hours of waiting I was ecstatic to be finally ushered to my sleeping quarters. That excitement was immediately quelled the second I opened my door. The bedroom that was to be mine for eternity would make any middle America motel look like the freaking Waldorf Astoria. The bathroom was deplorable, the curtains were moth-eaten and the ottoman didn't match the love seat. The "windows" weren't even windows. They're just screens playing constant loops of my past mistakes and sins. So lame. When I was alive I lived in a loft with floor to ceiling windows overlooking Venice Beach. So you can imagine my disappointment with this downgrade. Overall I've been very unimpressed with Hell. One star for having free HBO. Rick M: My first day of torture was poorly executed. The whole thing was very unorganized. It was also clear that the room had not been cleaned since the last occupants use. There were cactus needles and pubic hair everywhere. Extremely unsanitary and visually unappealing. The demon that was sent in to peel my fingernails looked like he didn't even want to be there. His performance was lackluster to say the least and his demeanor really showed me he didn't care about the job. His name tag was on upside down! I get that not all of us are working our dream jobs but at least look presentable. 2. Mike D.: I came here by the suggestion of a girl I tried to pick up in a bar. I gotta say, I'm starting to think this girl was not that into me. 3. Ryan F.: If you're a fan of apocalyptic heat then you'll love it. But anyone with a functional nervous system is going to wish they threw in a few more dollars into that collection plate. To cope with Hell's heat you can try imagining cool thoughts like wading in the sun or drinking from a volcano. Good luck though! Mind over matter will only do you so good when you're PISSING SRIRACHA EVERY MORNING. PLEASE HELP ME. 4. Alex U.: Run, don't walk from this shit-nest of degenerates. It's packed down in Hell with the most horrible people you've ever had the displeasure of meeting. You know that dude that microwaves fish in the employee break room? Yea that guy will be there. The Third Reich, people that say "irregardless" and the food chemist who created popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies WILL ALL BE THERE. Why am I even writing this? I shouldn't have to explain why this place sucks. It's the undisputed champion of worst place ever. (this one should look like a thinly-disguised Satan) 5. Stan A.: Now this is paradise! The weather is consistent, the activities never ending and did I mention the celebrities! On any given day you could be rubbing elbows with great historical figures like Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin or the German team from Cool Runnings. Take my word for it, this place is truly a hidden gem. And on the topic of gems, that Satan guy seems like a pretty cool dude. A real handsome fellow too. I don't know him personally but a friend of a friend told me he's tons of fun and just a great host. Any nasty rumors you hear about him are just from dumb and jealous people who can't handle how awesomely cool he is. Anyways, this is the easiest five star I've ever given.