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The fashion at music festivals is as eclectic as the bands playing. Your clothes should reflect that by falling somewhere between indian shaman and galactic space whore. The object here is to make your grandparents weep and question their faith in our country's future. Think sequins, leather frills and homemade jean shorts. In your adult life this will be the only appropriate setting for jorts--so make sure to capitalize on this opportunity. Get creative and have fun with it! Bonus points if you incorporate ethnic pieces that trivialize an entire culture. You'll know you've gone too far if your garb incites a race riot.

 

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That's cool kid talk for "drugs". Everyone at every music festival is royally fucked up at all times. No exceptions. How else can you muster the courage to rock a pair of jorts (see above)? Be forewarned; drug use at festivals makes your spring break in Cabo look like amatuer hour. Whatever you were doing before needs to be cranked up a notch or twelve. I would suggest a Taiwanese Donkey Kick to start your mornings. That's two shots of bovine tranquilizer followed by an EpiPen straight to the jugular. Keep the party going by taking Butt Blenders every hour on the hour. For the drug novice, a Butt Blender is anal-bonging peyote tea and spinning ten times. Don't be embarrassed if this is the first time you've heard of either one. You will learn all these things in time, young grasshopper.

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Don't let the familiar comforts of air conditioning, electricity and working plumbing fool you into reserving a hotel room. Camping is the way to go if you're looking for the true festival experience. Once you adjust to the overwhelming odor of Porta-Potties baking in the sun you will know you made the right choice. After all, the campsites are where you make half of your memories. Wet-nap showers, tent hookups, and arguments with your neighbor over whose Morrissey lyric tattoo is more obscure.

 

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A solid group could mean the difference between an unforgettable weekend and Yawnapalooza. It's important to assemble a festival crew consisting of friends who have similar music taste and will be able to match your party gusto. You don't want to be the only one in your campsite taking 2am Butt Blenders, do you? Choose your team wisely and party on.

 

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It will be inevitable. Multiple bands on your must see list will have overlapping sets. While this may induce an anxiety attack in a festival newbie, a seasoned festival goer knows how to handle band conflicts. Keep a map with carefully planned routes to get you from stage to stage as fast as possible. Secure a nice spot by pushing your way through the crowd and shouting out ahead to a friend who doesn't exist. The only downside about getting up close is you'll be at the tail end of a painfully slow exodus when the band wraps up. Feigning heatstroke is the best way to get strangers to clear a path for you AND score some free water. Two birds, one stone.