You'll have sex with lots of human partners throughout your life, but some of them will act like real dogs. See if any of these sound familiar:

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A greyhound longs to be worshipped by someone who sees him or her as the machine that they used to be. Their performance in the bedroom was always their biggest turn-on. In the twilight of their athleticism, their passion is tinged with sadness as they slowly realize that they can't keep up with the 20-something partners they choose because of their degenerative knee conditions.

 

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The Rottweiler requires a true master or mistress to be fully tamed. The chain collar and accompanying muzzle they beg you to order on Amazon are not just for the safety of the public. They are an expression of the dark places in the heart of this muscular beast. This breed is an excellent way to test the waters as you consider turning your kennel into a dungeon.

 

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This relentless lover will do absolutely anything for attention. If you find yourself in a very public place with your favorite pooch, don't be surprised if they vigorously play with their favorite toy until an authority figure smacks them in the head with a newspaper. Warning: many Labradors are a little too into kids.

 

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THESE DOGS ARE TERRIBLE AT SEX! They were genetically engineered to warm the bed, and that's all they are good for. When anyone is unfortunate enough to lie down beside one, they bite too hard. Their ear-splitting whines and yips of pleasure are physically harmful to human eardrums. It's not their fault, though. People should have stopped breeding their line when we discovered how to heat homes.

 

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The beagle cannot separate food from sex. Your precocious paramour discovered whipped cream and cherries in high school and edible underwear in college. As your relationship grows, you will spend most of your free time frying food for your morbidly obese partner and carrying it to the den that they physically can't leave. Their increasing immobility becomes the only thing that can still get you aroused.

 

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Poodles, as a group, believe that having their pubic hair shaved by a partner is an erotic activity. They fantasize for hours about intricate designs based on the bushes at Versailles and cumulonimbus clouds. They think that they exude a raw, Last Tango In Paris sensuality. In reality, everyone who meets a poodle leaves feeling dirty.

 

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A mutt's sexual identity is an eclectic mix of dominant aspects from different breeds, making it strong and undeniably individual. But if you find yourself attracted to mutts, be careful. You should always ask yourself if it is a good idea to bring home someone that you found sleeping on the street. Sometimes it can turn into a heartwarming story of the perseverance of the human heart. But usually you just end up with crotch fleas and, sometimes, actual rabies.

 

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