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Don't get me wrong, there are LOTS of really interesting old historical photos floating around the internet and many really interesting galleries, but there's also a fair share of "50 Absolutely Breathtaking Photos of TULSA In the 1940s" and it's a 50-page slideshow of blurry sepia-tones pics of one dude in overalls leaning on a gas pump.


MANY vintage things are awesome, but shitty vintage things are still shitty.

 

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"Did you know that you're playing Monopoly wrong? According to the REAL rules you have to AUCTION properties you don't buy! And Free Parking doesn't earn you money!"


I did know that, because I read this article back in 1996 when it was the fourth thing on the internet. There were two military websites, then a "WAZZAPPP" parody on GeoCities, then this.

 
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It's great to raise awareness about popular health misconceptions, but there's also dozens of health websites fanatically devoted to churning out content every millisecond with the loudest possible titles (like all websites!) to the point where any actually-useful information is nearly impossible distinguish.

EXAMPLE: "Eggs actually have several underrated health benefits, and one scientific study reveals some interesting new info about the sugars contained in potatoes."

BECOMES: "WHY YOU SHOULD CRAM NOTHING BUT EGGS DOWN YOUR GOD DAMNED PIEHOLE TO BECOME IMMORTAL BUT POTATOES WILL MURDER YOUR FUCKING FAMILY IN FRONT OF YOU"

 

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See everyone? You don't need makeup to look beautiful when you're already literally a supermodel and also the pics are being retouched anyway! Aren't these supermodels being brave? Why would anyone wear makeup ever??


Basically, "Here's some pics of hot people that we don't feel skeevy about posting because it's under the guise of making some vague moral point."

 

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"Did you know our country spends THIS MUCH on marijuana criminalization but it's actually way less dangerous than alcohol???"


Every single person on this timeline agrees. Even your dumbest friend who you used to follow ironically then couldn't take it anymore when he kept believing fake news stories and getting outraged by them isn't disputing this.

 

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Wait...cavemen DIDN'T sit for 9 hours straight, five days a week?? Then how'd they earn health insurance?


As much as we'd all love to get jobs as nomadic, constantly sprinting-and-hunting Social Media Marketing Strategists, the reality is, many jobs involve sitting down. And only a certain percentage of people can pull off the standing desk and I'm not one of them. (I lied when I said I was a Jock in #5, guys. I'm so, so sorry.)

 

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Thanks for the instructions, dumbass internet writer guy! I REALLY need you to tell me what to do! SUPEZ HELPFUL MAN!


Uh.


I mean, like, starting now. After this list. Obviously. This list is great. (Cough).