Then have the word "MOVIES!!!" bounce around the screen for two minutes while flashing, just for good measure.
Now that you've credited anyone who's ever been involved with the history of recorded illusion-of-movement, we can REALLY get going with the rest of the stuff before the menu!
Play 5 trailers for films that are a few years old. This will cause people to be like "I am going to purchase the DVDs of those old films and watch them right after I finish this film!" (Literally 95% of people who watch a DVD trailer instantly purchase and watch those movies with zeal.) For bonus fun, make the trailers unskippable.
Also, one of the trailers has to be for the movie Jumper with Hayden Christiansen. It's just a rule. Even if the DVD came out years before Jumper was conceived, it's gotta be on there somehow. Criterion Collection La Dolce Vita DVD? Toss a Jumper trailer on dat shit. Then another one halfway through the actual film.
Atonement has a soundtrack? ...With a music video? Is that... Shaggy?? Sure, whatever.
The best way to prep someone to watch a movie is to show them all the best parts out of context then also give away the ending. Now they'll be like "ooh, can't WAIT to see those again in ten to ninety minutes!"
Just grab some shit off Google Images. It's stretched? Who cares. Make it the menu screen.
This ain't no "music CD" -- just pick a few seconds of music from one random part of the film and make sure it loops 15 times while the person's scrolling through the menu. Also, every time it restarts, the disc should load for ten seconds (slightly longer than the actual clip of music itself.)
- CHAPTER SELECTION: In case you wanna just watch some random movie scenes. Also the titles of the chapters will either be vague and un-navigable, or completely spoil what happens.
- COOL CURSOR: Instead of the cursor just being an arrow or a dot, it's EXPLODING SATURN or some shit. Pretty cool, right? And have it take fifteen seconds to scroll down one option.
- STILLS: Here's some photos from the film. Now you can hang out at home in your living room, flipping through some cool unmoving images of the movie you just watched or are about to. Damnnn, photo #4 is an excellent photo. This is fun!
It's a fun game of Roulette! Will the movie start playing normally, or will the sound quickly dim and you'll hear "Hello there and welcome to the..." and you'll have to start over? It brings a fun new inconvenient element to home movie watching.
Deleted Scenes? You click "No." OOP! The movie's playing now and it's in Portuguese. Keep hitting the 'Menu' button then go back and change the language then play it again but realize it's still a minute in then go back to the beginning so you can watch the first minute in English but realize you didn't actually miss anything. NOW we're cookin'.
Wait, what the hell? There wasn't even a lab in the movie yet? Where did Tom Wilkinson come from and why's he wearing an eyepatch??
And that's all there is to it! Now you know why literally everyone definitely prefers buying and owning DVDs instead of just streaming stuff!