Congratulations on your new air mattress! You and your guests can look forward to many restful nights of sleep with this new addition to your home. This guide will hopefully answer any questions you have about using and maintaining your mattress.
How does my air mattress work?
There is a tiny wizard that lives inside your air mattress.
How does the mattress inflate and deflate?
The wizard inflates and deflates your mattress through a series of spells and hexes to manipulate the air inside a strong, rubberized neoprene mattress.
Well, then how do spells and hexes work?
As a mattress company, magic isn't our specialty. We only know that magic is mysterious, working in ways beyond the grasp of human understanding and translatable only into languages either lost or only spoken by animals.
Does my new air mattress accommodate standard sheets?
No, you will need specific sheets rated for wizards, with a thread count of Legendary or higher.
What sort of regular upkeep does the mattress need?
Clean your mattress with soapy water as needed. Your wizard will not need food. He is ageless and without hunger, gaining strength only from the air pumped into his mattress home.
What sort of power does my mattress need?
The mattress comes with a 3' power cord, with a standard US household plug. The wizard comes with a ¼" wand and knowledge as old as the mountains.
What happens if I rip a hole in my mattress?
Unfortunately, large holes will necessitate replacing the mattress. Small holes are repairable, but you must work quickly to seal the hole, as wizards will be slowly burned to ash by sunlight. In the rare case that a wizard survives and escapes, you will need to lure the wizard back into the mattress before sealing the hole. Fill a cauldron or large pot with fresh wand wood (ash or denser) and a selection of local herbs. Place inside your air mattress until the wizard returns. Simply reseal the hole and your mattress will soon function normally!
Sometimes I have trouble finding my mattress in my home; why?
If the wizard senses dark energies or evil, he will cast a curse of invisibility and unfinding on the mattress' velour-lined, drawstring carrying case (included). Often this happens when a mattress is left at an ex's home - the lingering tension and rift upsets the wizard. Purify your home with burnt sage and the mattress will be revealed.
Guests are complaining about being unable to sleep on my air mattress. Is there any way to adjust the mattress' level of comfort?
If you are experiencing discomfort, you can deflate or inflate the mattress to adjust for firmness. We also recommend checking that the mattress is not on top of any objects; even something small beneath the bed can be felt through the mattress. The wizard is wearing tiny robes and a tiny wizard hat.
My guests are complaining of bad dreams? Could this be the mattress' fault?
No. Mattresses will affect sleep which may affect the presence or absence of dreaming, but not the content. However, if you or your guests are experiencing demonic summonings, terrifying shape-shifters, foul hauntings, or your home and family are being ravaged and murdered by horrifying forces beyond the comprehension of your fragile human psyche, you may have a dark wizard in your mattress. Our rigorous quality control ensures that our mattresses only contain good wizards , but sometimes a bad wizard slips past our inspectors. If you believe this to be the case, please contact one of our customer service representatives between 8:00 am and 5:00 pm, Monday-Friday.
Why is my mattress disappearing into an energy vortex?
You have discovered your wizard's true name.
If you have any more questions or comments, please don't hesitate to reach out to us! Write them on a piece of birch bark and burn it in the same room as your mattress while chanting, "Merlin Mattresses, P.O. Box #43, Chattanooga, TN, 37404" over and over until the smoke dissipates. Burn a self addressed, stamped envelope as well. You can expect a response in 3-6 weeks.