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Why It Motivates You

If you're like most people, the reason you set your alarm every night is because you need get to your job on time, and why do you do this? It's because if you're late enough, you might get fired, which means you'll lose money, and that ain't good. To paraphrase the Wu-Tang Clan, cash is a powerful force that motivates many of our actions. Get the money. Dolla dolla bill, y'all.

How It Works

 

To harness the power of the almighty, I propose an alarm that links to your bank account and charge you the more you sleep. The more you ignore it, the more money the clock takes from you, and donates directly to the charity of your choice. Want to press snooze? Yeah, well there's a $10 charge for that too. Think about how many times you've slept in, only to look back and think "It wasn't really worth it." Now think about how much easier it would be to reach that conclusion if your morning grogginess had an actual monetary value attached to it.

 

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Why It  Motivates You

One of the reasons sleep is awesome is because it's the one time of day when you don't have to think about all the shitty stuff you have to do that day. That said, stress is also the reason you eventually wake up, because, in the back of your mind, you know that longer you put off all that stuff you want to avoid, the longer it will be before you can get back to the warm embrace of your comfy bed.

How It Works

 

The Stress Alarm would effectively make all that carefree bliss that sleep brings you a thing of the past. Just record a list of all the soul crushing tasks you have to do, and the device will wake you by repeating it to you over and over again, gradually increasing the urgency of its tone as it goes. It won't be pleasant, but that all consuming pain you get in your chest from knowing you have to get something done should be just what you need to get yourself up and at 'em.

 

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Why It Motivates You

Not all motivators have to be negative. If our country's ongoing obesity epidemic is any indicator, the prospect of having something tasty to munch on is one of the best way to get us up off our fat asses. Think about it. If you smelled bacon cooking from the next room over, would you ignore it? Of course not. You'd drop what you were doing and immediately go investigate it because that's human nature.

How It Works

Though most of us aren't lucky enough to have someone wake us up with the smell of sizzling bacon wafting from the kitchen, we are lucky enough to live in a golden age of food laziness, and have easy access to technologies that can easily approximate such a lovely scene. Using food delivery services like Seamless as a template, the food alarm would have you floating out of bed like you're a cartoon dog that's just gotten a whiff of a pie. Just place your order and the time you want to get up, and the next morning, a delivery man will greet you with a bag full of deliciousness, instantly transforming you into a morning person.

 

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Why It Motivates You

Though it mostly goes unsaid, perhaps the greatest thing motivating our lives is the knowledge that, one day, our lives will end. The average person will live for less than 30,000 days. Do you really want to waste the little time you have in bed?

How It Works

Bring the burning anxiety of your inevitable demise from the back of your mind to the front with an alarm that's not so much an alarm as it is a lighter glued to clock, and placed near a pile of oily rags. Once that bad boy goes off, you'll have mere moments to go and separate the two before the rags go up in flames, speeding up your march into oblivion. You'll never think of the saying "You can sleep when you're dead" the same way again.

 

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Why It Motivates You

Hopefully someone already explained this one to you a while ago...

How It Works

It's like a normal alarm, only it's shaped like your favorite erogenous zone, and instead of turning it off with a button you...like, do sex stuff with it...? Alright, I haven't really worked all the kinks out of this one, but trust me, when I can figure out how to make it not disgusting, it will sell.


 

Illustrated by Paul Westover