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Putting aside how awkward it must be to break away from the person you're sexily makin' out with to grab a dirty sock or tie off your floor, open your door, and then place the sock over the doorknob, why would you even bother doing any of that in 2014 when you can just TEXT your roommate not to come home? Just text them. That way they can find someplace else to hang out instead of coming all the way across campus to their room just to find out that they've been sexiled by a piece of your laundry.

You don't even have to text them a full sentence. Just do the finger emoji and then the finger-and-thumb-making-a-hole emoji. They'll get it.



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Movies would have you believe that college is a glorious costume-party wonderland where every night is Halloween. In reality, even Halloween isn't Halloween. This is because there are multiple parties every night in college, so it behooves the wise partygoer to keep his or her options open, attire-wise. In other words, you don't want to be the girl who shows up in a "dress" made of bubble wrap when you know you might be leaving the "Anything But Clothes" party within 30 minutes to wander down a freezing cold street to get to a different party where people will be wearing normal clothes.

Also, there are way fewer toga parties than you think there will be.



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See #1. Texting exists.



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If your professor knows who you are, that's probably a good thing. Otherwise, they most likely just think of you as another laptop-with-a-face they have to drag through the curriculum so they can get tenure. If you're REALLY horrible and not doing ANY of the work for their class or you're showing up drunk to lecture or whatever, it STILL probably won't become this heated, battle-of-the-minds, arch-nemesis relationship. They'll just fail you. That's it. The end.



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See #4, with the added stipulation that in real life, there has never once been a dean who knows the name of any student.



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Will this misunderstood fraternity be shut down and its ne'er-do-well student leader kicked out of school?!? I don't know, but there's clearly only one way for our community of scholars to judiciously deliberate on the issue: a campus-wide softball game/debate/singing competition that will all come down to one final tense pitch/speech/song. Yep! That seems like the fairest and wisest way to use campus resources and make decisions about our students' educational future. See you on the softball field/full-sized professional courtroom/Broadway caliber stage!



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When they finally get to a college dining hall, real college students are just thrilled that they can eat literally whatever they want, in whatever order and quantities THEY decide. Who would squander that privilege by throwing food for sport? Why would you THROW a bowl full of soft-serve ice cream with crushed up Oreos, mini m&m's, Lucky Charms and hot fudge, when you could instead...eat it? And then eat several more bowls of it? The answer is that you wouldn't.

(Also, the janitorial staff doesn't get paid enough to clean up your food fight. Don't be an asshole.)



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Sure, kegstands might happen at some parties. But not all the time, and not as some weird badge of honor that it's impossible to refuse without being kicked out of your social group, losing face in front of the girl you like, and having the entire campus make fun of you relentlessly for the next four years. If you don't want to do a kegstand in real life, everyone will probably just be like "okay," and then ask someone else. And then you can drink a beer like a normal person, or a soda, or nothing, because humans are humans and don't really care what other humans do as long as it doesn't affect their own happiness. Yay!!!!



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Okay, yeah, actually, this one is pretty on point.